A Christian Perspective on Aging and Death

My mom as a bride at age 22 and still beautiful 66 years later. 

Taking care of my mother has forced me to face that I myself am poised at the threshold of my own elder years.  When I become bound by fear of someday becoming like Mom, I feel impatient with her weaknesses and inclined to blame her for behaviors she can't help.  My attitude becomes, "Snap out of it!  You can do better if you try!"  Fears of aging and dying are major stumbling blocks that compromise the ability to provide compassionate care to an elderly parent.  

As Christians, we are to view death as a passageway to new life.  In my mother's words:  

"It is sad that we humans so often view death with dread--the actuality is that it is a blessed doorway into God's continual presence"  (Anna Ruth, 2007, quoted from My Mom Has Azheimer's: Inspiration and Help for Caregivers).  

Saint Paul says it is "better by far" to depart this life and to be at home with Christ in the next (Philippians 1:22-24), but it is a challenge to abide in Scriptural truth regarding this issue.  If we were allowed to choose a point to inhabit on our own timelines, wouldn't we all choose youth?  When we look at the photos above, who would not prefer to be the lady in the photo on the left rather than the one on the right?  And yet...I happen to know the 88 year old pictured above now lives a life of nearly carefree contentment and ease, while the 22 year old bride had many struggles before her. I think maybe the Lord views a peaceful old age as a reward for a life well lived. 

My difficulties coping with the prospect of aging and dying caused me to devote ten readings in my caregiving book to these topics.  I'll close this post with a quote from one of those readings which includes the Lord's answer to heartfelt prayers as I cried out my fears to Him. 

God does not willingly bring grief or suffering (See Lamentations 3:33;) His will flows over all that is grievous and changes darkness to light (See Psalm 18:28;) all things are incorporated into and transformed by His perfect will (See Romans 8:28;) where time and eternity touch, His will is done on earth as in Heaven (See Matthew 6:10;) we can’t yet perceive what we will one day see clearly because we walk by faith and not by sight. (See 1 Corinthians 13:12).

The Lord...is sovereign over death. His good and perfect will encompasses every life event, even those that cause us pain. He is able to work every circumstance into conformity with His will, for our good. 

The Lord is so gracious to us; He doesn't leave us alone.  I'm praising God today for His presence with us throughout every season of life. 


This post includes quotes from My Mom Has Alzheimer's: Inspiration and Help for Caregivers, Bridge-Logos Foundation, 2009. 

A New Song!

I've been on a fast from music.  Now that sounds a little bit odd, but I think maybe I've discovered why I've been neglecting this part of my life that used to mean so much to me.

Everyone encounters grief and pain.  My sorrows, if I were to compare them to those of others, wouldn't look unusual or particularly awful.  But the Lord doesn't compare hurts, and he knows our hearts. He's shown me great compassion. 

At each life crisis I worked hard to praise God through the sorrow and pain. Thus, certain praise and worship melodies became associated in my mind with the grief of heart I was bearing when I used those songs in my devotion time.  Without even realizing it or deciding to do so, I gradually stopped singing praises to the Lord.  

I've felt guilty about this situation and this morning decided to remedy it.  I wanted to begin my devotion time with praise but to my dismay, every song I began to listen to brought with it the memory of some painful time.  Three false starts and I gave up.  I was in no mood to suffer again through battles that are now in my past, and music is so evocative; it bypasses the brain and communicates directly with the heart.  So I completed my prayer time as has become usual--speaking a few words of praise and then moving quickly to prayer concerns.

Not a lot of fun for me or for the Lord either, I don't imagine.

Later this morning I was washing dishes when this phrase dropped into my mind:  "Sing to the Lord a NEW song."  Just like that, with the emphasis on NEW, and I understood that I needed to take this admonition literally.  I did a google search for "The top  NEW praise and worship songs" and downloaded the top five.  Amazing!  I had the best, most restorative, sweetest time praising the Lord with these new songs!

With the wonderful flow of new Christian music that is so easily available there is no excuse for me to let music fade from my life again.  I read an article recently emphasizing the importance of music to Alzheimer patients; but in this post I'm encouraging caregivers to include music in their own lives as well.  Sing to the Lord a new song!

To listen to the song that was #1 on the list, click on this Youtube link:   The Same Love by Paul Baloche

And here is the song by Paul Baloche that is so blessed for us as caregivers, thanks to Mary over at "Down the Rabbit Hole" for finding this one:   My Hope by Paul Baloche and Kathryn Scott

"He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him" (Psalm 40:3). 

Prayer for a Cure for Alzheimer's

Each of these lapel pins represents a memory I pray I can keep.    

My mom has Alzheimer's.  Near the end of his life my dad exhibited signs of dementia.  His sister died of Alzheimer's.  Both my maternal grandparents had "hardening of the arteries" and "senile dementia," terms used to describe the forgetfulness experienced by the elderly before Alzheimer's disease was widely recognized.

Of course I worry about forgetting. 

I was cleaning out a drawer this afternoon and unearthed a little plastic container filled to the brim with brightly enameled lapel pins, about 20 in all.  I poured them into my hand and memories began to flow.  The Kansas shaped Reading Recovery pin evoked the strongest emotion; I felt I made the most positive impact on children's lives during my years as a Reading Recovery teacher.  Running a close second was the golden circlet shaped like children holding hands. This brought back memories of years of playground duty.

I've taken to carrying a trash sack with me whenever I clean a room, in order to encourage myself to throw away things I don't need.  I held the pins in my hand a moment, but made no move to deposit them in the plastic garbage bag at my feet.  After a moment or two I put the pins back into their container and returned them to the drawer. 

If only I could hold onto my memories in this same way, tucking them safely away into a protected corner of my mind with certainty I can retrieve them whenever I want... 

***

Please join me right now in a prayer for a cure for Alzheimer's:  Dear Lord, we pray that Alzheimer's is defeated within the next few years, so this disease that has stolen so many memories becomes only a memory. Make it a defeated enemy with no more power to rob us of our independence and the ability to understand and reason.  Banish this disease in order to keep us from inflicting on our loved ones the agony of that long goodbye.  Free our children of the threat of this disease. We ask this in the name of our precious Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, who will never forget us, even if we forget, who will never let go of us, even if we forget how to hold on.  Amen

Scripture:  "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!" (Isaiah 49:15). 

The Importance of That Daily Walk

On this day our son took my place for the daily walk, and I became the somewhat shaky photographer.

Each afternoon just before Mom's supper time, we take her for a walk.  With my husband, John, on one side and me on the other, Mom links her arms through ours with fierce strength.  The sensation is somewhat like wearing a too-tight blood pressure cuff with a bucket of water attached as ballast. My bicep quickly begins to ache and so after one circuit around the driveway John and I switch sides, a procedure with which Mom has little patience.

"Oh my you poor thing," she says.

You can't really blame her.  The poor woman is 88 years old, has been dragged from her comfortable chair to suffer unwanted aerobic exercise, and her young, strong daughter is wimping out (I'm neither young nor strong but Mom can't be convinced of this).  By the time we return Mom is breathing heavily and her usual good humor has completely evaporated.  She mutters resentfully to herself as she pushes her walker back to the recliner. "Can't leave an old woman in peace...have to have everything their own way..."

We put Mom and ourselves through this fifteen minute fiasco each night because we've learned there is a dramatic correlation between both her mood and the quality of her cognitive functioning as a result of those few minutes of daily exercise.  When Mom doesn't have her daily walk she is much more likely to suffer "sundowning" (increased confusion and restlessness after dark).  The last time we missed Mom's walk she called me at 3:00 a.m. to ask if it was night or day.  She had made herself toast and didn't know why there was no coffee in the pot.

It seems strange to me that just those few minutes of exercise make such a dramatic difference for her, but time and again we've noted that she is in a more positive mood and is less restless just as a result of that little daily walk.
 

Everything We Need

There is a scene in one of the Lord of the Rings movies in which the angelic and powerful Galadriel struggles with temptation to take and use the ring of power for her own.  There is a frightening moment in which the filmmaker's special effects cause Galadriel's voice to become eerily amplified and demonic.  As she imagines the power she would yield as possessor of the ring, her eyes blaze red and she grows in stature, transforming into a nightmarish creature looming over the little hobbit before her.  At the last minute she chooses not to appropriate this terrible power for herself, and as she shrinks back down into "just Galadriel" says, "I have passed the test."

I watched this scene with my daughter, Melinda, who was not impressed with Galadriel's flirtation with evil.  Melinda said in disgust, "Yes, she passed the test..but just barely!!!"

I was thinking this morning how often I have "just barely" passed a test the Lord has allowed me to face, and how graciously and skillfully He creates challenges custom tailored to my need to grow in faith and strength.

We aren't usually able to see God's hand in a situation that is painful until the trial is past, and this makes faith a necessity.  I've lost count of the times I've had to remind myself, "Remember the way He's provided for you in the past, trust Him for the future!"  Even so, I still struggle with worriment.

Due to budget cuts, I lost my position as a reading teacher due two years ago, and rather than be reassigned I chose to retire early to care for Mom  (a strategy I felt forced into by circumstances but do not recommend for others; see the reading entitled "Don't Quit Your Day Job" in my My Mom Has Alzheimer's...).  This morning at 3:00 a.m. I awoke, literally in a cold sweat.  I came to the Lord in a panic and prayed, "We are farmers! We've had two drought years back to back!  How are we going to cope financially?  How will we survive?"

God was so gracious to me.  Most times when I suffer this kind of panic I'm led to read Biblical accounts of His faithfulness to others and am able to pray through to peace that He will care for me just the same way.  But this time He reminded me of a savings plan I initiated when I began teaching school years ago.  A few minutes research revealed that in two months I will reach the minimum age to withdraw from that account without penalties.  Then in about 3 years I will reach the minimum age to begin drawing Social Security.  So I returned to bed feeling somewhat more peaceful about finances.   

Sometimes the Lord asks us to trust Him and does not share with us the particulars of how His provision will arrive.  It was this way when I quit my job; there was just this overwhelming knowledge that this is what God wanted me to do and I couldn't see the path before me.  But once in awhile, in His great compassion for His frightened child, He will say, "There, there.  Look.  See how I've provided for you.  Don't be afraid."  That's what He did for me this morning and I'm grateful.

Fear has always been my Waterloo, and I'm not happy with myself about that.  Fear is the antithesis of faith and dishonors the Lord.  If you are reading this and thinking, "But I have no forgotten savings plan, no way of surviving but for God's grace," please be assured that His provision will meet your need as you trust in Him.  Cry out to Him with your need and place your faith in Him.  He won't let you down. 

Scripture:  "Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the wilderness these forty years, to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your ancestors had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord"  (Deuteronomy 8:2-3).  

"His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness" (2 Peter 1:3). 

Comic Relief

As caregivers, we need comic relief from time to time.

A few years ago a well meaning friend gifted me a beautiful book about a woman who had cared for her loved one who had Alzheimer's.  "I thought you would enjoy reading this," she said, "I found it so inspiring."

 I delved right in but found the book to be heart-rending rather than uplifting, and soon cast it aside.  When in the midst of a battle, graphic descriptions of the battle scars of others are not what is needed.  My devotional for caregivers keeps this fact in mind; inasmuch as possible I avoided too-graphic descriptions of my suffering and focused instead on the Lord's solace and help.  

 Caregivers need respite, and I find mine through writing about subjects other than Alzheimer's.  Writing a book isn't much different than scrapbooking, quilting, or any other craft.  It is a creative process that requires focus and concentration, and there is something incredibly refreshing about becoming so immersed in a project that time slips away.  I urge all caregivers to find some "away-from-caregiving" respite that brings this kind of refereshment.

Meantime, if you are in need of a bit of comic relief today, head over to my other blog and read about Farmer John and his cows.  You can't get much further from taking care of a dementia patient than that!!!  Click here:  The Cow Whisperer. 

Growing Into the Role of Caregiver

Taking care of someone who used to take care of you is beyond difficult. 

Resentment and grief of loss swirl together to form a cocktail of anger that, if drunk to the dregs, can cause broken relationships and long term damage to the spirit. Negative emotions can't be contained tidily in a box labeled with the name of the one who "deserves it."  Toxic feelings seep out of their  container and are expressed toward innocent bystanders.

 In my early days of caregiving I began with resentment and blame toward my mother, but my attitude poisoned every close relationship I had. My poor husband had to dodge my blame-filled words, an overflow of hurt that didn't belong to him. It is so odd that we are able to shape our circumstances to fit our emotions.  My attitude was "If I feel angry  then you must have done something wrong!"  

Alzheimer's causes an egocentrism that is especially painful to bear when the loved one once was focused on the caregiver's needs; it is heartbreaking when someone who was once your champion becomes demanding and rude.  Separating the disease from the person is nearly impossible at first, because the behaviors exhibited are so familiar.  My mother's anger was familiar to me; who hasn't seen a parent angry?  But it was as though the volume had been turned up, and her target was always me, the one she once had believed was nearly perfect.  I was unable to protect my heart from hurt.

So, I had to grow up.

I had to learn that my mother's anger and disapproval did not have to break my heart.

I had to stop depending on Mom for sustenance and to figure out how to draw my strength from God.

I recognized that the place in my heart that had once been filled with my mother’s nurture and care now needed to be filled with the Lord. A Scripture memorized long ago, Isaiah 6:1, came to mind as I remembered that Isaiah saw the Lord in the year that his king died. In My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald Chambers refers to this revelation given to Isaiah and says, “Our soul’s personal history with God is often an account of the death of our heroes. Over and over again God has to remove our friends to put himself in their place, and that is when we falter, fail, and become discouraged. Let me think about this personally—when the person died who represented for me all that God was, did I give up on everything in life? Did I become ill or disheartened? Or did I do as Isaiah did and see the Lord?”*  from My Mom Has Alzheimer's: Inspiration and Help for Caregivers

Caregiving is not easy, but we don't have to sustain emotional injury when our care recipients display vindictive, angry behaviors.  With the Lord's help we can follow His example and respond to negative behaviors with love.

“In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of His robe filled the temple” (Isaiah 6:1) . 

1. *Taken from My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers, edited by James Reimann, June 13 deovotion, The Price of the vision © 1992 by Oswald Chambers Publications Association, Ltd., and used by permission of Discovery House Publishers, Grand Rapids, MI 49501. All rights reserved.