During the service I suffered a sense of claustrophobia. When they brought the casket in my knees went weak. I felt there wasn't enough air in the room. I felt nauseated.
I cried in the car on the way home and was mean to my husband. I told him that when my mother died he by golly had better be nicer to me than he was being right then. He gazed at me with an absolutely astounded look on his face but said nothing. I could hear him thinking, "What in Heaven's name did I do wrong now?"
I came home in a vile mood and began a text conversation with my cousin, Pam. Pam is a baptized in the Spirit Christian who also is a social worker, is trained as a health coach, and has worked with Alzheimer's patients. Plus that, she loves me. All caregivers should have a Pam to turn to for counsel and care; she is a wonderful blessing to me.
After a few texts regarding my husband's lack of empathy Pam explained, "Men keep things in boxes. One event has little to do with another. Women weave webs of connection. He had no idea that you were relating Kathleen's death to your mother's."
Well, that made sense. But I still wasn't happy.
A few texts later Pam said, "Take the following or leave it as the Lord guides you, but..."
"Do not borrow tomorrow's grief today. The Lord gives dying grace to the dying AND to those left behind. He gives it when it is needed, not when we borrow the grief from tomorrow..."I trust Pam's analysis of this subject because she was holding her husband's hand when he went home to Jesus at age 51, having succumbed to esophageal cancer.
The gentle peace that came with her words affirmed that this was indeed a word from the Lord. I felt a confidence that when my mom goes to glory that I will be given what I need to walk through the valley of the shadow of her death.
Scripture: My life verse: "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand" (Isaiah 41:10).