One evening in mid-April, we had a rainstorm, the kind my husband calls a "thunder-boomer". Overnight nearly four inches of rain fell, and the next morning I was disappointed to find that the deluge had washed away a good portion of the sweet scent from the blossoms on our big lilac bush. Just a few days later the delicate blooms fell to the ground, leaving behind brown seed pods and green leaves. I stood at Mom's big bay window looking out at the lilac bush, and a disturbing analogy occurred to me; perhaps the sorrows I've borne the past few years have ushered in a fallow time. What if, although I still have seeds of potential, for now there are no blooms, and no fragrance? Perhaps I need a season of rest; a strengthening time, a rebuilding time.
Everywhere I turn of late, I find reminders of the deep weariness I feel in combination with the fear that I may no longer have opportunities to be fruitful in my work as a teacher. For example, while watching "The Fellowship of the Ring" the other night, I heard Bilbo say, "I feel stretched thin, like butter spread over too much bread." I'm right there with you, Bilbo Baggins!
And then a day or two later I was letting "You've Got Mail" play in the background as I worked in the kitchen, and suddenly I heard Jean Stapleton's character say, "You are being very brave. You are daring to imagine that you could have some other life."
Oh my, I think maybe I need a dose of courage.
The thought that the Lord may ask me to give up my job as a teacher led to a terrible feeling of desolation until I recognized my error. I have allowed my sense of identity to become grounded in some other persona than Christ and Christ crucified. I am a wife, mother, caregiver, teacher, friend, and author; but none of these roles defines me. I belong to the Lord. There is no job I can lose that will touch the heart of my true identity as a child of God.
I'm not certain what the Lord is planning for me, nor do I know His timetable. Today I'm praying for grace to release when He says "Let go," and for trust in Him to hold on tight to me!
Scripture: "We know that we are children of God..." (1 John 5:19).