I went into her room and found her sitting in the dark in her recliner. "Give me my glasses and my remote," she said.
I coaxed her back into her bedroom, and although she was not happy about it I was able to get her snuggled back in bed.
Back upstairs in my part of the house, I turned the baby monitor's volume up several notches and came into my office to write and pray until Mom fell back to sleep. Soon I could hear her gentle snoring over the monitor, punctuated by my husband's bass log sawing in our bedroom next door. The injustice of my being the only one in the house awake ran deep, but I wasn't sleepy at all and began to fret. Maybe I shouldn't' have quit my job. When Mom came to live with us I had no idea this Alzheimer journey would last so long. Maybe we should have handled this differently...
As I word processed my thoughts I felt the Lord speak to me with the clarity that seems to come only very early in the morning. That conversation went something like this (note: in my journal I record words I feel are from the Lord in bold-faced print, while my own meandering questions and comments are in regular font):
Do not repine.Temptations to indulge regrets and second guess decisions I've made in the past are not of the Lord. A phrase from the great hymn "Great is Thy Faithfulness" comes to mind: Strength for today, and bright hope for tomorrow...
I always forget what “repine” means.Don’t give way to emotion, or even to logic. Give way to faith.Wepster.com definition of repine: 1. : to feel or express dejection or discontent : complain. 2. : to long for something."Repine" also means to indulge regret over decisions that have already been made and opportunities that are lost. Inherent in the Lord's command not to repine is encouragement to look ahead and not behind. The Lord has provided for your needs and will continue to do so.
Praying for wisdom and strength today to follow God's command: "Do not repine."
"Let the past sleep, but let it sleep on the bosom of Christ, and
go out into the irresistible future with Him."
Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, February 18th reading