Preparing My kids and Grandkids to Do Without Me...

 

I write my thoughts and prayers in my journal daily and record God's guidance to me in boldfaced print, in conversational style.  That's how I do it.  That is how the Lord created me and uses me.  My five books were each mostly "boldfaced print:" God's direction to me transcribed through the vessel of my mind and heart.  

The Lord spoke to me this morning in response to my concerns for my children at the point they have to do without my prayerful and ministering presence when I go home to Jesus.  Neither of my kids are up for this instruction just now; the adjectives that describe their respective lives would be "busy, stressed, and blessed..."  Why burden them with things they don't need to think about just yet?  

But at the same time, I don't want to lose these thoughts against the time they will find comfort in them.  I don't believe either of them read my blog, and there is always the chance these words will find their way to the hearts of someone else who needs them now.  So here's a cut & paste of this morning's journal entry: 

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Be with my children and my grands when they lose me.  I’d like to be remembered with love but not to inflict a heart blow to the degree that they are singing “Mama I miss you” in their heads or thinking they can’t manage life without me or feeling guilt, remorse or, God forbid, relief that I’m gone because I’d become such a burden.  Lord I lift them to You and I do pray I do not loosen their ties to me through doing them harm because of dementia; take me home ahead of that.  Prepare their hearts, comfort them in grief, and guide them safely home to where I am with You.  

 

You are blessed in that You have a good long time to prepare them via prayer and service, so that you may leave them cleanly, with grief a blow not only that can be borne, but acknowledged and survived.  Teach them that the pain of loss won’t kill them (because I am in it with them) but suppressing it could do them harm.  Teach them to come through it and not to get stuck in it, which happens when grief is buried. 

 

You will have length of days: “Build houses and settle down; plant gardens and eat what they produce. Marry and have sons and daughters; find wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage, so that they too may have sons and daughters. Increase in number there; do not decrease. Also, seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile...  For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future (from Jeremiah 29)."

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In other words, the Lord is saying to us to settle in our homes, enjoy them, gather our family around the table, enjoy the gifts God has given us, serve one another and our community, give generously, love extravagantly, and trust Him all the more as we see the day approaching!  

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Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

Hebrews 10:23-25

Connection over Self-protection

 

This is a word provided me regarding the sometimes wearying effort of staying connected to family members.  We are all tired and busy. Simply coping with the stresses of daily living within the walls of our own homes seems nearly more than we can handle. Extending ourselves further to stay involved in the lives of extended family can seem like a lot of trouble requiring energy we don't have.  

Establishing habits of hospitality along with the accompanying prayer work needed when a variety of people with a variety of needs gather together is, in a word, tiring.  

It is also worth the trouble.  More than that, it is God's will.  God sets the lonely in families, but the enemy tries to make those in families lonely. 

It is our inclination to become insular, crossing our arms across our own hearts for protection. But when we stretch out our hands to join with those near us, we form a family connection so that when one is nurtured, all are nurtured. The blessing flows along a conduit forged by God’s plan and sealed when we choose connection over self-protection.  

I see ministry to my own family as the first ring in a ripple effect of outreach.  At this stage of my life, I may not have strength to stride out into the wider community in Jesus' Name, but my children and grandchildren do, and so when I nurture them with prayer and connection, I am doing Kingdom work.  

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Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
    and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
    and break every yoke?
Is it not to share your food with the hungry
    and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe them,
    and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

Isaiah 58:6-7 NIV

 Sing to God, sing in praise of his name,
    extol him who rides on the clouds[b];
    rejoice before him—his name is the LORD.
A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
    is God in his holy dwelling.
God sets the lonely in families...
Psalm 68:4-6 NIV

Trusting the Lord Through Undiagnosed Infirmity

 I am allergic to the sun.  

If the sun touches my skin and I don't move immediately to shade or shelter, my skin becomes mottled in a lacy, pink and white pattern, and my legs sometimes break out in a weird rash.  

I sometimes have a butterfly rash on my face because I have rosacea.  I've been tested for Lupus many times; the tests always come back negative.  

A year ago I had every blood test known to man (or at least, those deemed necessary by the hematologist I visited) with nothing to note save for a slightly elevated white count.  No indications of autoimmune disease although I am low thyroid and have rosacea, which I control with a low antibiotic dose and by avoiding sunlight as much as possible.  

I have what is probably chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia. The most distressing problems I've navigated in the past couple of years are gut issues.  I've learned that when one is nauseated, the world looks bleak.  It is a true faith-based mind-over-matter exercise for me to convince myself all is well and in God's hands when I'm sick in this way.  

I could go on (and on), but this post is not about my low energy and plethora of physical ills. It is about trusting God through the challenges of  having an undiagnosed illness.  

The Lord in His love has asked me to trust Him for my physical health.  I am assured that if I need an official diagnosis, that He knows how to provide that for me. When I was younger I tried "doctor hopping."  This took lots of time, energy I did not have, and it became expensive. Along the way I met some lovely and touchingly concerned people who tried hard to help me, but there were also some disturbing encounters with physicians who had little time and, sometimes, little patience with someone who, in test results, appears to be perfectly fine.  

I'm still alive 35 years later and so whatever is wrong is apparently not life-threatening.  However, feeling awful much of the time can be life-altering.  

No one wants to feel sick. No one wants to suffer an illness for which there is no diagnosis or cure. There isn't a  pat answer for how to cope except...

Trust the Lord.  Trust Him on good days. Trust Him on bad days. Seek His face. Pour out your heart to Him. Depend on His kindness and compassion; they are always present via the path His great love as manifested in Christ. 

The God who created me and knows me to a molecular level is able to provide what I need.  I have become afraid of suffering further, and He is compassionate and not condemning regarding this fear.  I bring it to Him daily, and daily He provides solace.  Our God still does miracles and he still heals; that He sometimes allows discomfort or even suffering provides us opportunity to cast our anxieties onto Him even when that entails things we'd rather not face or endure.  

Today, I'm sick. But the Lord has provided a peaceful place, a comfortable chair, and strength to do the work that must be done.  

If you scroll down at the end of this post you'll see a couple of documentations in the form of photos of my weird skin discomforts (likewise, if you don't want to see these stop scrolling now). Most of the time, I'm able to avoid these outbreaks nowadays.  And yes, the medicine I take for rosacea did come from a physician who prescribed it for me.   

I'm grateful and I am trusting in the Lord, who provides for me.  

Blessed be the Lord,

Who daily loads us with benefits,

The God of our salvation! 

Psalm 69:18 NKJV

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Sightly blurred photo of the rash and mottling that pops up on my legs.  

Rosacea and facial swelling from a few years ago, the swelling did not entirely resolve but I've grown used to the change in my appearance.  

Mottled skin most apparent when exercising.  

One month later...

A couple of weeks before my June 8 cataract surgery on my right eye, I happened onto a painting of Jesus healing the blind man.  As I shared in my last post, I was terrified of this surgery because of all the trouble I've had with my right eye over the years; in addition to a detachment and loads of floaters, I have had ocular migraine centering in my right field of vision.  I could not imagine coming through the bright light of cataract surgery without side-effects.  But when I looked at the image of Christ and the man whose vision was restored, the Holy Spirit touched my heart and I was enabled to place my trust in the Lord.  There was still fear, but faith in God's will for me outweighed the fear and off to surgery I went.  

Ninety minutes out of surgery, I had astoundingly clear, 20/20 vision or better with no lens correction.  I don't know what the very bottom line on the eye chart measures, but I was able to read that line with no errors.  I had no floaters.  It was amazing.  The tech who checked my post op pressures and visual acuity kept saying, "This is really unusual."  

What was really odd is that I had chosen to remain near- sighted.  I'd had a near lens implant, and under the best of conditions should not have been able to see well at a distance.  But I could.  Colors were astounding.  When I got home I walked out to my flower garden and the only thing I could think was that this must be what it is like in Heaven.  The colors were crisp, clean, bright, and new.  The beauty pierced my heart and tears flowed.  I don't think you are supposed to cry immediately following cataract surgery, but I did.  I knew something special was happening but I really thought they had somehow implanted the wrong prescription for my lens.  I was fine with it though.  

Over the next few days, my vision gradually receded to the prescription I had requested and the old, familiar floaters returned.  On day 5, I put on my old glasses and was surprised to note that I could see perfectly well with the correction I'd needed prior to surgery (again, this is what I'd requested). The only difference was that the smudge of cataract was gone so that for the first time in years, with correction for near-sightedness, I could see clearly at a distance through my right eye.  

I have avoided highway driving for years because my distance vision had become blurry. But my three week fitting for new glasses revealed distance vision that could be corrected to 20/15 in both eyes. This afternoon I drove a few miles from my home to see my grandkids, and the two miles of country highway driving were beautifully clear even as I scanned a quarter mile in the distance.  I am wearing my old glasses still, and am looking forward to even better vision when the new pair arrives.  

I'm not even going to try to figure out why the vision in my left eye also seems better...

I imagine the unusually clear vision immediately following surgery can be explained somehow, but you aren't going to convince me that the Lord didn't gift me with just a few days of clarity of sight that I won't have again until Heaven.  I had prayed for years regarding my eyesight, and on my surgery day I asked everyone I knew to pray for me.  I'm not sure what happened but...I know the Lord was with me.  

Fear is not a personality weakness or a failure of faith; it is a side effect of living in a fallen world and of having suffered in ways that were hard in the past.  When we place our trust in the Lord and move forward even though we are afraid, I think it blesses God's heart.  

Grateful.  

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Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, 21 to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Note:  Google Image Search says that the picture below is most likely an AI created work, and there is no reference as to the creator.  

Standing on the Promises While Waiting for the Showers

 

My friend, Denise, says that the only routine surgery is one undergone by someone else.  There is truth in this saying, but cataract surgery has become so well-tolerated that most people categorize it as "no big deal."  

Not me.  

I've just come through an ordeal that, but for the Lord, would have been completely beyond my ability to traverse.  There were weeks of sick dread, nightly rendezvous with the Lord, and tears, many tears.  Finally, just two days ago, successful cataract surgery was completed on my right eye.  I did not get sick. I did not suffer light-induced ocular migraine. I did not give way to panic or fear. I did have a ridiculous blood pressure spike, but suffered no ill effects. 

I could record in detail the reasons I was afraid. They are valid, as valid as any fear that is formed from past trauma and layered with present risk factors can be.  I could state the reasons I was vulnerable to a variety of complications so that it would be apparent that according to human logic, I had a low chance of coming through this ordeal safely.  But what I really want to do is to describe the faithfulness of God.  

I have waged battle against fear and the victory was won for me by the Lord.  All I did was to pray and to keep on praying. I also activated two prayer chains and asked my friends and family to pray for me.  Intercessory prayer can comfort and support better than any medication, and although I was embarrassed,  pride gave way to need and to the knowledge that the prayers of Godly friends are powerful and effective.  

It has been my habit to "drop a marker" at the places along my path that reveal God's faithfulness. This is an account of the Lord's victory and not mine; He has been gracious to me.  

Here are the reassurances God provided leading to my surgery day.  I hope others will find encouragement here also:  

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Step aside, take your eyes from fear, and allow your Heavenly Father to fight the battle.  It is ok to go into this naïve, because the Lord is all wisdom; it is ok not to advocate for yourself because He will advocate for you; it is alright to be afraid, because He will keep fear from hurting you. Everything, even the things you think you ought not feel, will work to your good.  The Lord is with you.  Do not be afraid.

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You are striving for the peace of faith in God. Hold steady. 

Your times are in His hands.  He has promised you a routine procedure, and you will have a routine procedure.  

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You are not the only child of God who is afraid.  You will be provided medicine that will calm your physical body and enable the trust you have in the Lord to take the fore.  

Everything is being orchestrated for your good and none of it relies on you.  From God's perspective, He is giving you a wonderful gift.

It’s as though a completely reliable (and in this case, omnipotent) travel agent has said, “Let me handle everything; you don’t even have to pack for yourself.”  

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This entire path has been orchestrated for you and is a journey to blessing.  Do not be afraid.  This is not “the fire,” it is a walk through a garden of new experiences that will usher you to a better place physically.  

The blessings you have experienced as you have walked through infirmity have been mercy drops, like the few, fat drops of rain that precede a shower.  

You are at the threshold of a blessed season; this is not the beginning of the end, it is more akin to a rebirth.  Embrace it as such. 

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Keep up the good fight, as you have done, as you are doing.  But if you “lose it” for a bit, the Lord will not lose you.  He will usher you into the blessings He has promised you by His own hand.  

You are afraid of losing control of your faculties through medication, pain, or fear.  Do not be afraid.  The Lord will not lose control of you, and His intent toward you is for good and not harm, blessing and not curses, joy and not sorrow.  It is true that sometimes God instructs His children not to be afraid though they are walking into fire.  But the Lord has gone ahead of you and straightened your path so there is, from your perspective, no danger and nothing to fear.  God understands you being a tad jumpy; your experiences dictate the validity for dread.  But inasmuch as you are able, expect good and not harm.  Indulge hope, Child.

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You don’t have to be afraid because the great I Am is your Father, and He is at work on your behalf.  Spirit, Son, and Father, together as One, on your side, actively working in your circumstances, nothing can touch you without His permission and guidance.  Be encouraged, dear child, the Lord is with you.  

Allow Room for A New Thing

 If we click on reels on social media, we will find many influencers who possess knowledge we don't.  This is enticing.  

As we listen to counselors and psychologists explain personality types, we may feel a jolt of recognition.  This is what I've been through!  And here is why!  And I never understood what was happening to me even as I was being gaslighted and victimized! By golly, I have been wronged!  

In this way, a two minute listen on social media can bring past injuries to mind, re-igniting them into present pain.  

I have walked with Jesus over a lifetime of prayer, and yet I'm not immune to this phenomenon of a short reel from a self-proclaimed source of wisdom disturbing my peace.  

The enemy wants us to indulge self-pity and to be so bound by past injustices that we are unable to participate in present freedom.  

As Christians we are blessed as we persevere, run to the Lord with every injury, and trust Him to act on our behalf.  God rights past wrongs as we cry out to Him, not always in the ways we would like, but in His own way, which allows space for Him to love and redeem the very ones who have sinned against us. It isn't that God sacrifices our welfare on the altar of someone else's salvation; our Lord does not forget us. But He does expect us to love as we've been loved and forgive as we've been forgiven (Ephesians 4:32).  

This morning I was sitting, immobilized, after hearing a reel that described with uncanny accuracy some trials I went through a long time ago.  The Lord delivered me, but now, with clarity that may or may not be accurate, I had been given labels to characterize the precise sort of injustices I'd suffered.  

But then the thought came that, as a believer, I don't have to count the injustices that have been dealt me; I am assured that even if I forget, the Lord will not (Isaiah 49:15). Righting wrongs is not our work, but God's (Romans 12:19).  As children of God we are safe to entrust past wrongs into His hands and to count deliverances instead of injuries.  

It isn't wrong to be cautious in wisdom based on past experience.  But to rehearse wrongs and feel pain that is no longer in the present is fruitless.  We sometimes are in danger of becoming upset, not because we are being hurt now, but because we were once hurt. In this way, past injury can rob present joy.  

One of God's fortes is to cause those who once disdained us to recognize the error of their ways (Revelation 3:9).  Like Joseph, we may be generous even with those who once caused us harm, because the weapons to hurt us have been taken from their hands (Genesis 50:20).  We can be merciful to them as God has been merciful to us.  

Prayer: Lord, help us not to allow reminders of past suffering to rob us of present peace.  Help us to look at the past through your lens, counting the ways You've delivered us rather than the ways we were injured. Help us to extend to others the grace You have given us.  In Jesus' name we pray, amen.  

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See, I am doing a new thing!

    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the wilderness

    and streams in the wasteland.

Isaiah 43:19

Think About His Grace That's Brought Us Through

 I don't think God is the source of our sorrows and pain, but I am sure that He uses the suffering that comes to us in this fallen world to sculpt us into a closer likeness to His Son for our blessing (Romans 8:28).    Why suffering must be a fact in this age of grace is mostly unknown to us, but we receive enlightenment in the die to live patterns in nature.  A seed must fall into the ground and die before it gives forth new life (John 12:24). 

In one of the Narnia books, C.S. Lewis says that Aslan remains true to His own rules. Likewise, the framework God has set into place during this age allows Him to remain true to His own Holiness and yet offer grace to us, even though we have used the free will He has given to sin against Him. His own Son suffered to offer us Salvation, and God resurrected our Savior as a first-fruit of those bound over to death by sin.  If we suffer with Him, we can expect to be raised with Him (2 Timothy 2:12).

When we find peace in our earthly circumstances, we are less likely to put forth the effort to seek the Lord.  Sorrows, fears, and suffering drive us to the foot of the Cross where we find the peace that defies human understanding (Philippians 4:7).    

God does not willingly bring suffering to us (Lamentations 3:33). We can always trust His good intentions toward us; we can always trust His love.  The enemy will try to twist the fact of God's sovereign power over Earth's sorrows in an attempt to convince us that God willingly hurts us in order to help us.  The secret the enemy doesn't want us to know is that the Almighty God uses even what the enemy means for evil to our good, for His glory (Genesis 50:20).  Evil isn't God's fault.  He gave his created beings freedom, and we used it for evil.  God sent His Son to make us a way to Heaven despite the filth of our own sin.  There is no greater love than this.

I wrote the words above and then went to bed, and sometime during the night watches I realized...I must not think of God as being only partially sovereign.  He is not merely a benevolent King who is determined to bless those who have suffered by the enemy's hand.  In this scenario some evils slip past Him and so He then intervenes to turn it for our good.  Of course this is inaccurate; Hannah Whitall Smith has said we must receive everything from His hand with no second causes.  

We consistently underestimate the extent of our own sinfulness, the disasters we cause via the path of free will, and the measures God takes for and through us in order to secure us for Heaven.  

But...always a caveat; sometimes we hear of horrible things happening that very obviously have occurred outside of God's will.  At those times we give God glory by affirming trust in Him and finding rest in His promise to see us through (Isaiah 42:3). The enemy reigns in the minds of unbelievers and so there is great evil at work in our world. God will have the ultimate victory. Faith in Him will be rewarded. And He sees us through 

Human logic can't track God.  But our free will, a gift from God, allows us to choose to trust in Him where our human understanding can't reach.  

Blessed be His Name.  

First Comes Love

Sometimes, we as Christians miss the mark as we work hard to evangelize in the name of the Lord.  Our goal isn't to get others to act as they should, it is to invite them into the warmth of God's love.  

We don’t want people to be manipulated by fear of our judgments of them, we want them drawn to the unconditional love of Christ.  Yes, unconditional.  Available to us with no other payment than our belief in the work Jesus did for us on the Cross.  His sacrifice, His Blood, the Father’s love, the Holy Spirit in us; and then—and only then--the response of obedience.  

Service to God and good works in His Name unfold in a specific order. First, we learn of the love of God expressed through the gift of His Son. This knowledge of God's love for us fires the response of love for Him in our hearts. Finally, obedience to perform the good works to which He calls us grows from this center of being loved by God and expressing love for Him in return.  

We need to be sure to present God's love in this order, or we are in danger of causing those we target for discipleship to change their outward behavior in order to please us.  They then become bound by a desire to be acceptable in the eyes of other human beings with fear of human judgment motivating acts of service that flow, not from the Holy Spirit's lead from within, but in order to meet the standards of human beings from without.   

The unfolding of a damaged heart in the warmth of God's love takes time.  Pray that those you invite into God's Kingdom may know His love and be cautious of demanding acts of service as evidence of heart change. Obedience comes after one has basked in the unconditional love of God and is a response from within, not an initiative imposed from without.  Lack of outward acts of service is always a sign that we need to know more of God's love.  "If you are really saved, then you will prove it by these specific acts of service" needs to transform into "I will show you God's love and pray for you, and then watch to see what He does through you."  

Once more: obedience is a response and not an initiative.  Let our motivation in evangelism always be this: how may we show them more of God's love.  

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We love because he first loved us.

1 John 4:19 

See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! 

1 John 3:1

Joy Comes

 

This bright morning, I thought of a sweet illustration of my role in my grandchildren’s lives. Before sunrise, I prayed for my grandkids and I heard a noise at the window next to me.  I turned my desk lamp to shine through the window so anything that shouldn’t be on my deck would perhaps be scared away by the light.  This had the unanticipated effect of lighting up the five oldest grandkids’ gingerbread houses.  When I went back to bed I left the light shining on those little houses, symbolic of them being covered by the light of my prayers.  But this morning the light is flowing through the shaded windows with such brilliance that the little desk lamp’s contribution is not only unnecessary, but unnoticed.  I switched the lamp off and thought about how sometimes we are called to cover our loved ones in prayer for a season but that God’s brilliant light will break through and we can take our rest.  Which is exactly what I’m doing today in the wake of our youngest grandchild’s open heart surgery and the labors of intercession and service that accompanied his ordeal.  

Thank You Lord, that though weeping may endure for a night, joy comes as surely as day follows night (Psalm 30:5).  Thank You for breaking through our darkness with Your light.  Thank You for sending Jesus to us, God present with us, Immanuel.  And thank You that our baby grandson is going to be ok.  

Reassurance Regarding Our Baby Grandson

 Our baby grandson will soon undergo a 4 to 6 hour surgery to correct his Tetralogy of Fallot, a congenital heart defect.  Fear for him has been my constant companion, and I've had to fight a daily battle of prayer to break through to the peace the Lord has for us when we cast our anxieties upon Him.  This morning these thoughts came; funny I'd forgotten my own birth story.  I wonder how many other miracles God has done that I am no longer taking into account?  

I record God's guidance to me conversationally, boldfacing His words to discriminate them from my own.  Here is the boldfaced print from my journal this morning: 

My will cannot be corrupted by the errors or sins of human beings.  

 

It is My will for your grandson to live, thrive, and to fulfill the purposes I have for him.  

 

Consider your own beginnings, Child.  A transverse presentation cannot be delivered normally.  But you were.  

 

Children with paralyzed arms at birth do not necessarily regain the use of their arms.  But you did.  

 

Some daughters of women who used the anti-miscarriage drug DES died of cancer in their early teens.  Still more developed cervical cancer. 

 

You didn’t.  

 

Your grandson has a good prognosis, not because of the action or inaction of any human being, but because of the Lord.  

 

Release him into My care now and rest.  

 

I am with him, and you.  

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I recorded my birth story in detail on my 69th birthday.  It can be found here: 25,185 Days and Counting

God Keeps His Promises

I loved teaching school.  The highlight of my days had always been teaching kids to read, but toward the end of my career I received training that allowed me to do a better and more expedient job. I had grown into my calling and I knew I was, at long last, making a real difference in the lives of children. But then budget cuts took the individualized program that had allowed me to be more effective than ever before at helping struggling readers, and while I wasn't fired, I was demoted to the status of test giver.  I dislike achievement tests, and to spend my days administering stressful tests rather than providing real help to kids broke my heart.  My mother had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's, and I knew the Lord was leading me to a different calling.  

I struggled with this decision.  It took two years for me to accept that teaching was no longer the job God had for me.  During that time He gave me several promises that didn't seem likely to be fulfilled.  I saw a flower garden in my mind's eye and a drawing on a desk calendar by Mary Engelbreit resonated with me. The picture depicted a little lady wielding a garden spade and wearing a hat. I've always loved flowers but never had a green thumb and besides, I was sure I would never wear that hat.  Little did I know that in just a few years, an eye condition would require me to take precautions against bright sunlight, including a wide-brimmed hat!

God used that desk calendar once again when a photo of a young woman with blonde, curly hair holding a little yellow-haired baby touched my heart.  "There will be grandchildren," the Lord promised.  Being a grandmother was not yet on my radar  because my curly-headed daughter was still in college at the time and not yet married.  But still, grandchildren.  The thought brought a smile.  To hold and love a baby again!  

I finally took early retirement, and in a leave-taking that felt anticlimactic after 25 years of service, I walked out of my classroom for the last time. I entered immediately into fulltime caregiving for my Alzheimer's mom.  Including the time I provided part-time care for her before my retirement, I was her primary caregiver for nearly 16 years.  She died in 2020.  

With the advent of phone photos and my penchant for capturing moments of joy, I have abundant records of what happened next.  This morning as I walked in my flower garden, wearing my hat and snapping photos, I mused on the fact that a good portion of the zinnias in our overgrown garden have come up volunteer from just a couple of rows planted the first year after my retirement.  Without tending or planning, hundreds of the bright flowers have grown up across the grassy expanse of our neglected garden this summer.  I thought of Isaiah 49:21:  Then you will say in your heart, 'Who bore me these? I was bereaved and barren; I was exiled and rejected. Who brought these up? And a little further on in Isaiah 49:23: Then you will know that I am the Lord; those who hope in me will not be disappointed.  

I don't want to imply that my life now consists of a happy ever after in which I loll about in my flower garden with nary a care.  Happy ever after joy waits for us in Heaven, and although the Lord allows us  foretastes of that future joy, we can't have it to keep just yet. Even now our family is in the midst of navigating a number of stresses, but we are doing it together and with faith in the Lord's promises and provision.  

But I trust in your unfailing love;

    my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing the Lord’s praise,

    for he has been good to me.

Psalm 13:5-6

Higher Truth

I've become concerned with increasing numbers of reels seen on Instagram and Facebook that identify and condemn narcissistic behavior. I'm pretty sure that we are all narcissists to one degree or another. And as Christians, we must be cautious of making life decisions based only on human reasoning and logic.  

The facts of any situation can be delineated but our best efforts will yield only partial and often conflicting versions of the truth. There is higher truth in God's perspective, truth we sometimes have to take on faith rather than from what we can see.  

If the person labeled a narcissist has accepted Christ as Savior, the transformative power of the Holy Spirit is at work in that person's successive approximations toward an appearance of Godliness.The self-focused Christian's tendency to do the right things for the wrong reasons can, by the power of the Holy Spirit, end up to be wholly right. It's ok to respond to them as though their motivations were pure because, by God's grace, they are becoming pure! Never look at a human being created in the image of God and proclaim that because human logic shows they cannot change that they are disposable, rejectable, or leave-able. Never look at a situation or a person apart from the vast potential of the transforming power of the Holy Spirit.    

There's nothing logical about God's love. Human wisdom or AI will miss the higher truth of God's love and our love for one another through Him. Sometimes we feel foolish for continuing to love someone who does not deserve it based on their behaviors toward us.  But the illogic of the love that sent Christ to the Cross is at work in us.  It is not wrong to love those who don't deserve it.  This is the way God has loved each of us. 

Let's not sequester someone God has given us to love with labels created by human beings.  Human-formed categories can never contain the enormity of God's transforming power in the lives of those who are on the path to loving God as God has loved them.  

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Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

1 Peter 4:8

*Necessary disclaimer, I do NOT advocate staying in an abusive situation. I'm not addressing physical or verbal abuse in this post, but the universal frustrations we as flawed human beings experience as a result of living with other flawed human beings.  

A Caution for Christians Regarding AI

 I have been appreciating Google's AI summaries of my search results.  I type in a question such as this: "Can I take Tylenol with Zyrtec?"  

Very quickly the answer appears, "There are no known interactions between Tylenol and Zyrtec."

Handy.  And useful for quick affirmation of something to which I was already pretty sure I knew the answer.  

However, just yesterday I was bringing my need for physical stamina to the Lord, and I remembered that when Nehemiah was rebuilding the wall around Jerusalem, that he prayed, "Now strengthen my hands." I couldn't remember the Scripture reference and did a Google search.  Here is the AI summary: 

"Nehemiah prayed for strength to continue his work despite opposition. Nehemiah sought God’s help to persevere: “Now therefore, O God, strengthen my hands" (Numbers 6:9). 

Nice enough, right? I stared at the AI answer a moment and prayed, "Lord what are You wanting me to see here?"  

Here is the summary I then wrote, custom-tailored by the Lord for me for the specific needs I was facing, via the direction of the Holy Spirit: 

"False accusations had been brought against Nehemiah.  His enemies hoped to get him wrapped up in self-defense and upset in his emotions about the judgments that human beings were bringing against him.  Nehemiah recognized his enemies’ purpose was to stop him from working on the wall by draining his strength through emotional upset, and prayed for God to strengthen his hands."

AI could not know (or care) that I had been suppressing fear of what other people think of me to the degree my strength was being misspent and my time wasted in self-defense.  This was a spiritual battle in that it took place entirely in my mind and emotions; no human being had actually expressed judgment of me.  I was responding to the enemy's whispers "If you don't do this, then they will think badly of you."  

I'm being purposely vague about my own circumstances, but I hope you catch my point: don't depend exclusively on AI; use your God-given mind to reach your own conclusions based on the Holy Spirit's guidance from within.  As Christians we need to be led from the inside out, and not from the outside in.  Worldly influences, no matter how reasonably stated or initially helpful, must not be used as a replacement for the Holy Spirit.  

AI is a convenient tool.  But don't depend on it exclusively even when you are doing a Bible search.  Recognize the difference between right-sounding summaries from AI and the right-indeed guidance of the Holy Spirit from within.  

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For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God.

Romans 8:14 

Clarification: When I say we are to be led from the inside out I certainly am not encouraging people to follow their own hearts (aka, emotions). Our own ideas of what is good will quickly lead us down a garden path that ends in despair. I refer to the fact that God has placed the Holy Spirit in our hearts: "And it is God who establishes us with you in Christ, and has anointed us, and who has also put his seal on us and given us his Spirit in our hearts as a guarantee" (2 Corinthians 1:21-23 ESV).  

Death to Life

 We have such trouble when unexpected circumstances interrupt our lives and make us feel forced  to do things we hadn't planned to do.  It is very hard for us to be instant in season and out of season (2 Timothy 4:2), because we need to feel a sense of control over the unfolding of our own lives.  We feel unwarranted shock and are prone to struggles with bitterness when our circumstances don't work out in the way we thought they would.  

Here's a quote from 100 Days to Freedom: Finding Rest in the Love of God: "We can't keep anything for ourselves, not even our own physical bodies, which are destined to die. But when we release all to God, His power is unleashed so that the mystery of resurrection--life from what has been crucified--brings new life and new hope.  'For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we shall certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his' (Romans 6:5)."  

The comfort that is given us as Christians is that when our physical bodies die, we will be instantly in the presence of Christ, and that we will have what we need and it will be better than we ever thought it would be.  This comfort also applies to the call to "die to self" while we are still on Earth. When we surrender our schedules, our time, and the way we thought things would be to the Lord, we are instantly closer to Christ and we will have what we need, and it will be better than we ever thought it would be.  We begin to receive the blessings of dying in Christ while we are still in the land of the living.  

Revelation 12:11 tells us how Michael and his angels defeated the enemy:  "And they overcame him by the Blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, and they loved not their lives unto the death" KJV 

In other words, as they testified to the victory of Jesus Christ at the Cross and didn't let the possibility of death keep them from entering into the battle, Satan was vanquished.  

Our small, earthly, lives can mirror the magnificence of mighty angelic beings as we surrender our lives to Christ in service and in love.  

We can learn three things from Revelation 12:11:   

1.  The authority of the Name of Jesus. 

2.  Our testimony via Scripture promises, praise, and avoiding negative thoughts and words is powerful.  

3.  Dying to self through surrender of our plans, time, and service to the Lord leads to resurrection of new life that will be better than anything we could have planned for ourselves, even prior to our physical deaths and Heaven.  

This isn't a list of things to do, it's instruction for the state of our minds which flows from the state of our hearts.  Trust in Jesus, speak that trust, and believe that He is in everything that we find ourselves having to do, even and especially the things that weren't our idea and that we would rather not do.

Obedience

This morning I sought the Lord regarding my continued frustration in efforts to eat right and lose weight. I felt ashamed and that I had failed once again to demonstrate my love for Christ via the obedience path.  I've learned to continue to seek the Lord even when I've failed to obey Him as I should, but I came with hesitation, clutching the fig leaf of my own failure in an effort to hide the vulnerability of my sin. 

As I prayed, these thoughts came: 

You have great trouble trusting in the Lord rather than in your own efforts to renew yourself.  Don’t give up trying, but do give up the unreasonable despair you feel when you fail.  Your obedience is not the price God requires for loving Him.  Your obedience—and this is a “wrong” sounding truth to which a performance-based Christian would object—is not required at all.  It is only when the requirements are lifted that obedience becomes possible for weak human flesh.  Satan works hard to link the quality of your obedience to the quantity of your blessings so as to keep you under the law rather than under grace.  God's grace is not partial, nor does it depend upon you beyond your willingness to accept what He offers; God's grace flows wholly from the shed blood of Christ.  Obedience is not an “up front” cost of loving Jesus.  Obedience is a result of entering in to Christ’s love, not an admission price.  

It isn't that obedience is unimportant, but that it is not a requirement for entering into Christ's love.  It is in abiding in His great love that we are enabled to obey. When we reverse this process and make obedience the required outward sign that proves we belong to Christ, we become vulnerable to despair.  We must daily realign our focus from the self-judgment of examining our own performance to the enormous grace given us in God's love through Jesus.  

When Christ's blood placed us under grace rather than under the law, our focus was freed to be placed upon His love rather than upon our the quality of our own obedience.  

Everything always begins with His love.  

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But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Romans 5:8

How Do You Know if You're Saved?

 Our oldest granddaughter is a heart-warming combination of spunk, determination, tenderheartedness, and faith.  She is a gymnast, has unparalleled energy, and her considerable social acumen includes skills of keen observation. Last year, at age 8, she made her public declaration of faith in Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior and was baptized. I am her grammy, and I think she is amazing.  

As background to the rest of this story, I'll share (again) that I've been through a difficult life-interlude since my mom died of Alzheimer's 5 years ago. Mom passed following a 16 year journey through dementia. She died in January of 2020, just at the beginning of the pandemic.  I was shell-shocked from heavy-duty caregiving responsibilities during the last years of her life.  

During the same timeframe, our church went through some changes that resulted in teaching I find unscriptural. I no longer felt I could support them with my tithes or attendance.  I'd been a member of this church since I was 16, and my memories of worshiping there with my extended family became a part of the grief of loss of my mother.  I fell into what I now recognize was depression complicated by a number of physical ills.  I began worshiping online during the pandemic and, I didn't know quite how to proceed. It just seemed incredibly painful and awkward to me to begin attending our little community's church that is now more in line with my beliefs, after over 50 years of attending the "other church" across town. Trapped by a slow healing from the wounds of caregiving plus those numerous physical ills, I continued home worship even after the pandemic ended.  

Meantime, all 6 of our grandkids and their families began attending that other church, the one I felt God was leading me toward.  Medication for depression helped me, and last Sunday, I sat with my kids and grandkids at church, worshiping together for the first time in about 6 years.  It was incredibly sweet and good, and after a circuitous route I felt I'd arrived at a church home.   

Last Thursday I picked up our now nine-year-old granddaughter from school.  After a snack and one episode of Wild Kratts, she was demonstrating some gymnastics moves.  She performed a handstand and fell over with her legs resting on the bed behind her. Still hanging upside down with her hands on the floor she said, "Grammy, how do you know you are saved?"  

I thought there was a strong possibility this was a test for me; a 9-year-old sees things in black and white and this child's grandmother had been apparently remiss in church attendance.  Maybe she was concerned for my eternal salvation.  

Or, maybe she was concerned for herself.  I decided to answer the question from her perspective.  

I said, "Once you have told Jesus you are sorry for your sins, and that You want Him to come into your heart and to live for Him forever, it's a done deal. We are saved by believing in Him, and so long as you want Him even a little, with faith even as tiny as the tiniest of seeds, you are His. After that it depends on Him and not you. If you stray from Him, He will come after you. He will work in your circumstances to bring you back. Nothing can separate you from His love."  

I let that sink in for a few seconds.   

I added, "Grandma Ruth said, 'Sometimes I've let go of Him, but He never let go of me.'"  

"He will not let go of you. There is a Scripture that says, 'I've not lost one of those entrusted to Me.'  He will not lose you. Your baptism showed the world that you belong to Jesus and was a sign of obedience to Him.  You are safe and saved." 

After a pause I added, "And so am I."   

"After believing in Him and getting to know how very much God loves you, then you will want to serve Him.  It is God's love for us and our love in response to Him that makes us want to do what He wants us to do. Obeying is the way we  show our love and gratitude for Him.  But it isn't the good things we do that save us. It's believing. You've done that.  You are saved."  

"And so am I!"  

She flipped down out of her handstand and said, "Are there any more snacks?"  

And of course, since this is Grammy's house, there were.  

Abide in His Love

You are not to judge, not even yourself.  Do your best to obey.  Consult with the Lord, obey, pray some more and repeat.  God loves you.  You don’t get graded for today.  Jesus has earned an A+ and your report card bears His “grade.”  Love is your debt, love is your portion, love is your joy and strength.  God is yours and you belong to Him; this is your joy.  

 

“May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully.  Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God”  Eph. 3:19 NLT. 

Back in the Saddle Again....

 For a number of years, for a number of reasons, I've not attended church in person.  I've continued to worship via online services. 

The Lord has gently made me a way out of my former congregation where I had been a member for over 50 years. They have adopted principles and beliefs I find unscriptural, but even so, apart from the Lord's providence, I would have clung to the familiarity of the dear setting in which I once worshiped with my parents and extended family. 

First, my Alzheimer's mom's condition deteriorated and I was forced to place her into nursing home care after 12 years of at-home caregiving.  Mom was a difficult patient and I adopted the habit of attending the nursing home's services with her each Sunday morning.  

Then, Mom passed away in January of 2020, and by March of that year, we were sheltering at home because of Covid. I had side effects to the vaccine and was told that Covid itself might be dangerous for me.  And so I continued home worship.  

Then, my health deteriorated with one problem after another. I'd had fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue since my 20's, and these symptoms worsened. I was probably suffering depression in the wake of my Mom's passing, and then I suffered a nasty fall on ice that left me hobbling with a hip injury that took the better part of a year to heal.  

Deuteronomy 33 describes how the Lord ushered the Israelites to where they needed to be by stages.  I feel He has ushered me to the doorway of a new church gently and by stages these past years.  

Oddly, I have not felt one pang of guilt or any sense of failure or wrongdoing about worshiping at home, although I've sometimes fallen to fear of what other people think. Not, that is, until about two weeks ago when I suddenly felt the Holy Spirit's nudge saying, "It's almost time!"  

I was convicted by this quote from Matthew Henry:  “It is impossible to be sincere in the faith, sensible of the goodness of God, constrained by the love of Christ, sanctified by the power of the Holy Ghost, and yet be indifferent to the progress of religion, and the spiritual success of others, through love of ease, or fear of conflict. Let then your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.” 

It has indeed been comfortable here at home, but this quote has provided me the impetus I need to face the discomfort of entering a new church in a different setting from the one in which I worshiped God in sweet fellowship with loved ones for so many years.  

The Lord is with me.  Soon I'll begin a new church attendance adventure.  Father go ahead of me and make my path straight, as I know You already have done.  Thank You for Your presence with me during all the stages of my life.  

Try Not To Blame the Victim

With the 20/20 hindsight that comes with time, I know I was unfair to my mother when she began to show signs of dementia.  

Adult children are commonly resentful and fearful when aging parents give way to infirmity.  The first response is often, “If they would try harder, if they loved me enough to do what they should, if they weren’t lazy, then they could avoid decline.”  We always want to believe that we can avoid our own decline and death through valiant effort, because we are afraid.  To see a parent’s decline is most fear-inducing of all, because we are related to them by blood, by love and by need.  We feel betrayed when they begin to leave us via the introspection of pain or the finality of approaching death.  

I'm not sure whether I read this quote somewhere: "Don't believe everything you think," or if I came up with it myself during the years I was coping with my mother's Alzheimer's disease.  When we feel resentment and anger toward an aging parent, we need to proceed with caution.  Chances are the emotions of coping with a loved one's decline have more to do with the caregiver's sorrows over losing the support they need than it has to do with any failure of the patient to try harder.  

It's hard.  As always, in our dealings with everyone, it is important to be grounded in Scripture and to let love cover a host of real and perceived sins in the precious ones who are leaving us sooner than we thought and in more emotionally wrenching ways than we wish.  

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Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

1 Peter 4:8