Obedience

This morning I sought the Lord regarding my continued frustration in efforts to eat right and lose weight. I felt ashamed and that I had failed once again to demonstrate my love for Christ via the obedience path.  I've learned to continue to seek the Lord even when I've failed to obey Him as I should, but I came with hesitation, clutching the fig leaf of my own failure in an effort to hide the vulnerability of my sin. 

As I prayed, these thoughts came: 

You have great trouble trusting in the Lord rather than in your own efforts to renew yourself.  Don’t give up trying, but do give up the unreasonable despair you feel when you fail.  Your obedience is not the price God requires for loving Him.  Your obedience—and this is a “wrong” sounding truth to which a performance-based Christian would object—is not required at all.  It is only when the requirements are lifted that obedience becomes possible for weak human flesh.  Satan works hard to link the quality of your obedience to the quantity of your blessings so as to keep you under the law rather than under grace.  God's grace is not partial, nor does it depend upon you beyond your willingness to accept what He offers; God's grace flows wholly from the shed blood of Christ.  Obedience is not an “up front” cost of loving Jesus.  Obedience is a result of entering in to Christ’s love, not an admission price.  

It isn't that obedience is unimportant, but that it is not a requirement for entering into Christ's love.  It is in abiding in His great love that we are enabled to obey. When we reverse this process and make obedience the required outward sign that proves we belong to Christ, we become vulnerable to despair.  We must daily realign our focus from the self-judgment of examining our own performance to the enormous grace given us in God's love through Jesus.  

When Christ's blood placed us under grace rather than under the law, our focus was freed to be placed upon His love rather than upon our the quality of our own obedience.  

Everything always begins with His love.  

***

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Romans 5:8

How Do You Know if You're Saved?

 Our oldest granddaughter is a heart-warming combination of spunk, determination, tenderheartedness, and faith.  She is a gymnast, has unparalleled energy, and her considerable social acumen includes skills of keen observation. Last year, at age 8, she made her public declaration of faith in Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior and was baptized. I am her grammy, and I think she is amazing.  

As background to the rest of this story, I'll share (again) that I've been through a difficult life-interlude since my mom died of Alzheimer's 5 years ago. Mom passed following a 16 year journey through dementia. She died in January of 2020, just at the beginning of the pandemic.  I was shell-shocked from heavy-duty caregiving responsibilities during the last years of her life.  

During the same timeframe, our church went through some changes that resulted in teaching I find unscriptural. I no longer felt I could support them with my tithes or attendance.  I'd been a member of this church since I was 16, and my memories of worshiping there with my extended family became a part of the grief of loss of my mother.  I fell into what I now recognize was depression complicated by a number of physical ills.  I began worshiping online during the pandemic and, I didn't know quite how to proceed. It just seemed incredibly painful and awkward to me to begin attending our little community's church that is now more in line with my beliefs, after over 50 years of attending the "other church" across town. Trapped by a slow healing from the wounds of caregiving plus those numerous physical ills, I continued home worship even after the pandemic ended.  

Meantime, all 6 of our grandkids and their families began attending that other church, the one I felt God was leading me toward.  Medication for depression helped me, and last Sunday, I sat with my kids and grandkids at church, worshiping together for the first time in about 6 years.  It was incredibly sweet and good, and after a circuitous route I felt I'd arrived at a church home.   

Last Thursday I picked up our now nine-year-old granddaughter from school.  After a snack and one episode of Wild Kratts, she was demonstrating some gymnastics moves.  She performed a handstand and fell over with her legs resting on the bed behind her. Still hanging upside down with her hands on the floor she said, "Grammy, how do you know you are saved?"  

I thought there was a strong possibility this was a test for me; a 9-year-old sees things in black and white and this child's grandmother had been apparently remiss in church attendance.  Maybe she was concerned for my eternal salvation.  

Or, maybe she was concerned for herself.  I decided to answer the question from her perspective.  

I said, "Once you have told Jesus you are sorry for your sins, and that You want Him to come into your heart and to live for Him forever, it's a done deal. We are saved by believing in Him, and so long as you want Him even a little, with faith even as tiny as the tiniest of seeds, you are His. After that it depends on Him and not you. If you stray from Him, He will come after you. He will work in your circumstances to bring you back. Nothing can separate you from His love."  

I let that sink in for a few seconds.   

I added, "Grandma Ruth said, 'Sometimes I've let go of Him, but He never let go of me.'"  

"He will not let go of you. There is a Scripture that says, 'I've not lost one of those entrusted to Me.'  He will not lose you. Your baptism showed the world that you belong to Jesus and was a sign of obedience to Him.  You are safe and saved." 

After a pause I added, "And so am I."   

"After believing in Him and getting to know how very much God loves you, then you will want to serve Him.  It is God's love for us and our love in response to Him that makes us want to do what He wants us to do. Obeying is the way we  show our love and gratitude for Him.  But it isn't the good things we do that save us. It's believing. You've done that.  You are saved."  

"And so am I!"  

She flipped down out of her handstand and said, "Are there any more snacks?"  

And of course, since this is Grammy's house, there were.  

Abide in His Love

You are not to judge, not even yourself.  Do your best to obey.  Consult with the Lord, obey, pray some more and repeat.  God loves you.  You don’t get graded for today.  Jesus has earned an A+ and your report card bears His “grade.”  Love is your debt, love is your portion, love is your joy and strength.  God is yours and you belong to Him; this is your joy.  

 

“May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully.  Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God”  Eph. 3:19 NLT. 

Back in the Saddle Again....

 For a number of years, for a number of reasons, I've not attended church in person.  I've continued to worship via online services. 

The Lord has gently made me a way out of my former congregation where I had been a member for over 50 years. They have adopted principles and beliefs I find unscriptural, but even so, apart from the Lord's providence, I would have clung to the familiarity of the dear setting in which I once worshiped with my parents and extended family. 

First, my Alzheimer's mom's condition deteriorated and I was forced to place her into nursing home care after 12 years of at-home caregiving.  Mom was a difficult patient and I adopted the habit of attending the nursing home's services with her each Sunday morning.  

Then, Mom passed away in January of 2020, and by March of that year, we were sheltering at home because of Covid. I had side effects to the vaccine and was told that Covid itself might be dangerous for me.  And so I continued home worship.  

Then, my health deteriorated with one problem after another. I'd had fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue since my 20's, and these symptoms worsened. I was probably suffering depression in the wake of my Mom's passing, and then I suffered a nasty fall on ice that left me hobbling with a hip injury that took the better part of a year to heal.  

Deuteronomy 33 describes how the Lord ushered the Israelites to where they needed to be by stages.  I feel He has ushered me to the doorway of a new church gently and by stages these past years.  

Oddly, I have not felt one pang of guilt or any sense of failure or wrongdoing about worshiping at home, although I've sometimes fallen to fear of what other people think. Not, that is, until about two weeks ago when I suddenly felt the Holy Spirit's nudge saying, "It's almost time!"  

I was convicted by this quote from Matthew Henry:  “It is impossible to be sincere in the faith, sensible of the goodness of God, constrained by the love of Christ, sanctified by the power of the Holy Ghost, and yet be indifferent to the progress of religion, and the spiritual success of others, through love of ease, or fear of conflict. Let then your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.” 

It has indeed been comfortable here at home, but this quote has provided me the impetus I need to face the discomfort of entering a new church in a different setting from the one in which I worshiped God in sweet fellowship with loved ones for so many years.  

The Lord is with me.  Soon I'll begin a new church attendance adventure.  Father go ahead of me and make my path straight, as I know You already have done.  Thank You for Your presence with me during all the stages of my life.  

Try Not To Blame the Victim

With the 20/20 hindsight that comes with time, I know I was unfair to my mother when she began to show signs of dementia.  

Adult children are commonly resentful and fearful when aging parents give way to infirmity.  The first response is often, “If they would try harder, if they loved me enough to do what they should, if they weren’t lazy, then they could avoid decline.”  We always want to believe that we can avoid our own decline and death through valiant effort, because we are afraid.  To see a parent’s decline is most fear-inducing of all, because we are related to them by blood, by love and by need.  We feel betrayed when they begin to leave us via the introspection of pain or the finality of approaching death.  

I'm not sure whether I read this quote somewhere: "Don't believe everything you think," or if I came up with it myself during the years I was coping with my mother's Alzheimer's disease.  When we feel resentment and anger toward an aging parent, we need to proceed with caution.  Chances are the emotions of coping with a loved one's decline have more to do with the caregiver's sorrows over losing the support they need than it has to do with any failure of the patient to try harder.  

It's hard.  As always, in our dealings with everyone, it is important to be grounded in Scripture and to let love cover a host of real and perceived sins in the precious ones who are leaving us sooner than we thought and in more emotionally wrenching ways than we wish.  

***

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

1 Peter 4:8

God Is With You and Me

 

Awhile back I read a book -- I've forgotten which book--with a quote that caught my eye.  I'll paraphrase and personalize that quote here:  "Slowly, with many lost days, I am recovering."  

"That's me," I thought. "I am recovering."

In January of 2020, my mother died after a 16 year journey through Alzheimer's disease. After Mom's death, I thought I would be ok.  After all, one of the first comforting words I heard from the Lord following Mom's diagnosis was this: "There will be life for you following your mother's Alzheimer's disease."  

Instead, I've navigated what is probably post traumatic stress from the turmoil of Mom's nursing home years. After 12 years of caring for her in our home, I was forced to advocate for her on an almost daily basis at the nursing home because she was a difficult patient.  Toward the end of her life, she became verbally abusive and, infrequently, combative.  The staff was young and inexperienced, but no one responds well to screamed accusations or to having to step out of the range of flailing fists (to my knowledge, the flailing fists occurance was a one time event-- but it made a deep impression on her caregivers).  Their solution would have been to medicate her and put her to bed.  I objected and offered instead a host of alternative interventions that were, for the most part, successful but hard won.  

And then she died.  I sat by her while she died.  The Lord was with us.  She had a comforting vision of Jesus as she passed.  She didn't suffer; she was not in pain.  Being the longtime Christian I am, one would think I would be just fine with the manner of her dying. 

Not so much.    

I'm damaged goods.  

I've continued to function adequately but my traitorous body, not having received the memo that all is well, began to break down. I have a bunch of weird auto-immune conditions that it would be too wearying for me (and certainly for you) to enumerate.  

And then I fell down. Literally.  Icy steps, lack of reasonable caution and ka-boom. Down I went.  I have suffered intermittent hip pain and what is probably bursitis instigated by the blow to the joint ever since. 

I haven't written about this season of recovery because, in the first place, I haven't recovered; I'm only recovering.  There has been an urge to just wait until I'm ok to analyze the process and then perhaps to write messages of comfort and hope to those still in the throes of caregiving. 

Instead, I do indeed have abundant comfort and hope, not from a place of wholeness and well being, but from a place of brokenness.  

The Lord has comforted me every day. Every single day. Through the wakefulness of the night watches, He has been with me.  Occasionally, ok, frequently, I've given way to fear.  At those times I have had to have the support of praying friends and, rarely, medication to see me through.  

All the bad things you hear about fear are true.  Satan lies us into a panic and the resultant fear blocks our ability to hear the Lord's voice. Panic attacks are no joke, and they do not come from a personal failure of faith but, I'm convinced, from a carefully orchestrated plan by the enemy. He loves to catch us alone. At times like that, one has to reach out for help, and it is no disgrace to ask one's friends to pray.  Pride has to go in order to make such a request, but...the exit of pride is a good thing.   

The comfort I have to offer is that God is with us and that He will lead us through whatever struggle we face.  It is important to continually reaffirm our love and trust in Him, even when, especially when, circumstances are uncertain and in our own understanding, we can see no particular reason that things should turn out well.  

Last night at about 3 am, the Lord personalized Jeremiah 29:11 for me.  This is a verse I've revisited so often that I am prone to miss the comfort of God's kindness and good intentions toward us that are woven into these words: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I obediently looked up the passage despite its familiarity, and I smiled, and reaffirmed my love and trust for the God who has not and will not leave me, not ever.  

And then my eyes fell on the verse just prior: "This is what the Lord says: 'When seventy years are completed...I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back...'"

I am seventy years old! I have received the promise. I reaffirm my trust in the Lord.  God is with me.  I am healing but not healed, recovering but not recovered, and the Lord is with me.  

And He is with you. He will never leave us or abandon us.  He will bring us through.  

A Tribute for My Friend

This photo is from our 40th class reunion 12 years ago.  Diana is at far left.  

I want to pay tribute to my friend, Diana, who has passed away. "Gone to glory," as my grandma would've said. 

I didn’t know Diana well.  We were friends and classmates in our high school class of 1972, but I came to our small town late, in my junior year of high school, and so did not have the lifelong connection and friendship with her that the other 20 members of our class may have enjoyed. However, when you graduate high school with a group of people, the tie can remain close, as it has done for our class.  My connection with Diana remained through class reunions and occasional conversations over the years.  

When Diana moved back to our hometown and then had to endure cancer treatments, I had the opportunity to get to know her better.  I can only say that her calm acceptance of her multiple cancer diagnoses was an inspiration to me.  I was offering my support to her one day when she said very matter-of-factly, “I know the Lord, I know where I’m going, and if I die, I die. Cancer is really no big deal.”  She threw around that “C-word,” cancer, without flinching.  And often, in my interactions with her during the past year especially, she would end up encouraging me.  You know how when you decide to reach out in Christian love and charity toward someone and when you get home you realize you were the one who was helped?  Diana was a calm and encouraging counselor for me regarding my fears of medical procedures.  “It’s really not so bad,” she said, when I confided my fears of having an MRI.  “You’ll be fine.”  

 

We can have peace regarding Diana, because she is now resting safe at home with the Lord she loved. We can feel happy for her while we reserve the right to be sad for ourselves, and we will continue to lift her sweet mom in prayer, along with her brothers and their families.  We pray for them in their grief.  I would encourage Diana's mother to continue to enjoy her life, the taste of good food, the camaraderie of friends, and the activities she so enjoys, at peace in the knowledge that Diana is safe at home and that she will see her beloved daughter again.  That assurance belongs to those of us who have accepted Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior; we don’t grieve as those who haven’t placed their trust in Him do.  

 

The idea of death is frightening to most of us and the death of a beloved friend or relative brings us uncomfortably close to the awareness of our own limited lifespans. But when we waste time fearing how we might die or when we are leaving out an important truth.  I believe it was Charles Spurgeon who said that we aren’t given dying grace until we are actually dying.  All other imaginings about death are made apart from the grace we will be given when it’s actually our turn to walk through the Valley of the Shadow.  I was privileged to see that wonderful peace and grace in Diana, to understand that she had been given dying grace on the journey she made through sickness and finally, on Wednesday afternoon the 27^th of May, to the release of her mortal flesh as her spirit flew home.  As Christians, death is not a location but a passage; we only pass through the shadow and immediately into life again.  For those who have professed belief in Christ as Savior, God has set His Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing the life to come.  

 

Diana, I am grateful to have known you and am happy that I will see you again.  So glad you made it home safe!  

****

God so loved the world that He gave His only son, that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.

John 3:16