Thursday, August 11, 2016

Chocolate and Sympathy...Maybe Just Chocolate!


We placed my mother in nursing home care eleven days ago. I have been fighting my way through a flood of emotions of such varying levels of depth and strength that I've had no choice but to abide in the Lord moment by moment for guidance and help.  I'm reminded of the story in which a man says, in despair, "There's nothing left to do but to pray."

His comrade is a person of greater faith and replies with gentle irony, "Oh my, so it has come to that!" And of course, in this place of complete reliance on God's provision I have indeed found that the everlasting arms do not fail. When I am too overwhelmed to hold tight to the Lord, He holds on to me. 

I'm still too immersed in a plethora of feelings to sort them out in a way that might be helpful to anyone else, but I do want to say I've felt pangs of regret borne of empathy for the full time caregivers who, still in the midst of bearing a heavy burden of full time caregiving, may feel they have lost my comradeship in their difficult journeys. There was a lady named Jenny who used to post comments occasionally at this blog, and several others for whom I prayed. I also know from looking at the stats page that there are a number of additional readers who have not left comments, but may have been helped by the guidance the Lord has provided Mom and me along these past 12 years as caregiver and patient.

Of course, those of you who have placed loved ones into nursing home care know that the caregiving role doesn't stop. I'm no longer in charge of changing my mom's bed each morning and I've released the responsibility for her personal hygiene to others, but my responsibility to her hasn't ended; I'll still be writing about caregiving. So that's the first thing I wanted to say; if you read this blog regularly and have gained comfort and strength, know that I'm still here and will still be sharing the encouragement that our Lord provides to caregivers. And, I'll go to work labeling past posts so you will be able to more quickly find one that meets your current need.

The other insight I need to share is directed toward those who have chosen nursing home care for loved ones who are in or approaching the later stages of dementia. It is a difficult truth but also oddly liberating to recognize that because of the confines of the disease, our late stage dementia patients don't pine for us when they are separated from us, not in the way we might fear. Because our roles have been reversed, I was afraid my mother would miss me as a child longs for her parent, or even in the way that a mother misses her absent adult child. However, Mom doesn't realize she has been moved to a nursing home, and assumes I'm nearby even when I'm out of her line of sight. And when she recognizes my absence, she isn't sad so much as she is angry in the way that an employer is displeased with an employee who has shirked assigned duties. Her anger is all the more virulent because she perceives herself as suffering because of my negligence. Mom is more mad than sad, and in a way this is easier to deal with than if she was suffering from homesickness and longed for the emotional support she once received from me.

And so one of my tasks now is to avoid projecting my emotions of grief and loss upon my mother when I visit her. She doesn't need my soulful gaze, my tears, or my professions of love and devotion. She would much prefer to have the chocolate bar I've tucked in my purse as a special treat.

My prayers continue for those of you who have traveled this caregiving road with me.  You've been my comrades in arms and I'm thankful and blessed by the encouragement you've provided along the way.  

10 comments:

  1. I'm one of those who reads but only comments occasionally. Our journey with my m-i-l went the opposite direction: we moved her from ID to where we lived in SC eight years ago, and she was in an assisted living facility there for two years til we moved to TN, and she moved to an assisted living place here. As her ability to care for herself declined, she had to be moved to a different assisted living place (we had no idea beforehand there was a rule that if they couldn't get out of their room in a certain time in a fire drill that they could no longer stay there....), and then to a nursing home. She got down to 90 lbs. in the nursing home, and my husband wanted to bring her home to die. But she perked up under one on one care, gained weight, and has been here three years now, declining to the point that she's bedridden, can't do anything for herself, and rarely speaks. (Forgive me, I may have told you all this before). Thankfully she has always been pretty easy to get along with, but that actually increases the guilt I experience for feeling that having her here is hard. We do have help a few hours a day so I can run errands or just go do my own thing for a while.

    But I can empathize with many of the emotions you've mentioned, and I do agree very much that caregiving doesn't end when a loved one is in a facility. They need an advocate, for one thing. Many people who work in facilities are treasures, but just a few are neglectful. And it does take time to go and visit, plus, depending on the facility, relatives of the residents might still be responsible for some grooming tasks. So readers do need to understand that placing a loved one in a facility doesn't mean caregiving stops.

    I enjoy your blog very much, especially in the way you look to God for strength, as it encourages me to do the same, even though our particular situations are a little different. We truly can't do this in our own.

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    1. Oh Barbara, I am praying for you right now. Here's what comes to mind which may be a misquote but here goes: "He knows the way I take, and when I am tested I will come forth as gold..." That's from Job. The Lord sees your service and He knows your heart. And He's taking into account what is best for you as well as what is best for everyone else, though since He looks at the long range plan He has for us it may not be apparent just now. Again, you are in my prayers.

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  2. Ahhh, yes, the roles do change. I remember becoming my grandmother's advocate and taking a fair amount of heat from the nursing home staff as a result. It's a balancing act sometimes...okay, all the time. Praying for you all and most especially for you that you have more time in your day and can allow those difficult days of caring for your mom at home to fade in the rearview.

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  3. I'm so thankful to read how the Lord has supported and encouraged you through this difficult time, Linda! I'm also very sorry for all you have gone through but I am thankful for what I have learned from you and will continue to learn from you. Your transparency has been a blessing! God bless you in the days ahead!

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    1. Georgene, I so appreciate your thoughtful and supportive comments. Thanks so much. I am thankful too for all I learn each time I visit your blog.

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  4. I always appreciate your posts here because they mirror what is going on with me and my Mom. I'm probably beginning the transition to a nursing home for Mom, targeted for next year and I certainly appreciate all that you have written on that transition. It is hard road to be a full time caregiver and then to have to change the focus when they live somewhere else. I'll covet all the support and info you have.

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    1. Praying for you, Melanie, and for the changes you face just ahead, that they occur in the Lord's perfect timing for you and yours. I will be writing more soon about this transition...it's been difficult, but also blessed.

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