Preparing My kids and Grandkids to Do Without Me...

 

I write my thoughts and prayers in my journal daily and record God's guidance to me in boldfaced print, in conversational style.  That's how I do it.  That is how the Lord created me and uses me.  My five books were each mostly "boldfaced print:" God's direction to me transcribed through the vessel of my mind and heart.  

The Lord spoke to me this morning in response to my concerns for my children at the point they have to do without my prayerful and ministering presence when I go home to Jesus.  Neither of my kids are up for this instruction just now; the adjectives that describe their respective lives would be "busy, stressed, and blessed..."  Why burden them with things they don't need to think about just yet?  

But at the same time, I don't want to lose these thoughts against the time they will find comfort in them.  I don't believe either of them read my blog, and there is always the chance these words will find their way to the hearts of someone else who needs them now.  So here's a cut & paste of this morning's journal entry: 

<><

Be with my children and my grands when they lose me.  I’d like to be remembered with love but not to inflict a heart blow to the degree that they are singing “Mama I miss you” in their heads or thinking they can’t manage life without me or feeling guilt, remorse or, God forbid, relief that I’m gone because I’d become such a burden.  Lord I lift them to You and I do pray I do not loosen their ties to me through doing them harm because of dementia; take me home ahead of that.  Prepare their hearts, comfort them in grief, and guide them safely home to where I am with You.  

 

You are blessed in that You have a good long time to prepare them via prayer and service, so that you may leave them cleanly, with grief a blow not only that can be borne, but acknowledged and survived.  Teach them that the pain of loss won’t kill them (because I am in it with them) but suppressing it could do them harm.  Teach them to come through it and not to get stuck in it, which happens when grief is buried. 

 

You will have length of days: “Build houses and settle down; plant gardens and eat what they produce. Marry and have sons and daughters; find wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage, so that they too may have sons and daughters. Increase in number there; do not decrease. Also, seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile...  For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future (from Jeremiah 29)."

<><

 

In other words, the Lord is saying to us to settle in our homes, enjoy them, gather our family around the table, enjoy the gifts God has given us, serve one another and our community, give generously, love extravagantly, and trust Him all the more as we see the day approaching!  

<><

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

Hebrews 10:23-25

Connection over Self-protection

 

This is a word provided me regarding the sometimes wearying effort of staying connected to family members.  We are all tired and busy. Simply coping with the stresses of daily living within the walls of our own homes seems nearly more than we can handle. Extending ourselves further to stay involved in the lives of extended family can seem like a lot of trouble requiring energy we don't have.  

Establishing habits of hospitality along with the accompanying prayer work needed when a variety of people with a variety of needs gather together is, in a word, tiring.  

It is also worth the trouble.  More than that, it is God's will.  God sets the lonely in families, but the enemy tries to make those in families lonely. 

It is our inclination to become insular, crossing our arms across our own hearts for protection. But when we stretch out our hands to join with those near us, we form a family connection so that when one is nurtured, all are nurtured. The blessing flows along a conduit forged by God’s plan and sealed when we choose connection over self-protection.  

I see ministry to my own family as the first ring in a ripple effect of outreach.  At this stage of my life, I may not have strength to stride out into the wider community in Jesus' Name, but my children and grandchildren do, and so when I nurture them with prayer and connection, I am doing Kingdom work.  

 <><

Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
    and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
    and break every yoke?
Is it not to share your food with the hungry
    and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe them,
    and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

Isaiah 58:6-7 NIV

 Sing to God, sing in praise of his name,
    extol him who rides on the clouds[b];
    rejoice before him—his name is the LORD.
A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
    is God in his holy dwelling.
God sets the lonely in families...
Psalm 68:4-6 NIV

Trusting the Lord Through Undiagnosed Infirmity

 I am allergic to the sun.  

If the sun touches my skin and I don't move immediately to shade or shelter, my skin becomes mottled in a lacy, pink and white pattern, and my legs sometimes break out in a weird rash.  

I sometimes have a butterfly rash on my face because I have rosacea.  I've been tested for Lupus many times; the tests always come back negative.  

A year ago I had every blood test known to man (or at least, those deemed necessary by the hematologist I visited) with nothing to note save for a slightly elevated white count.  No indications of autoimmune disease although I am low thyroid and have rosacea, which I control with a low antibiotic dose and by avoiding sunlight as much as possible.  

I have what is probably chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia. The most distressing problems I've navigated in the past couple of years are gut issues.  I've learned that when one is nauseated, the world looks bleak.  It is a true faith-based mind-over-matter exercise for me to convince myself all is well and in God's hands when I'm sick in this way.  

I could go on (and on), but this post is not about my low energy and plethora of physical ills. It is about trusting God through the challenges of  having an undiagnosed illness.  

The Lord in His love has asked me to trust Him for my physical health.  I am assured that if I need an official diagnosis, that He knows how to provide that for me. When I was younger I tried "doctor hopping."  This took lots of time, energy I did not have, and it became expensive. Along the way I met some lovely and touchingly concerned people who tried hard to help me, but there were also some disturbing encounters with physicians who had little time and, sometimes, little patience with someone who, in test results, appears to be perfectly fine.  

I'm still alive 35 years later and so whatever is wrong is apparently not life-threatening.  However, feeling awful much of the time can be life-altering.  

No one wants to feel sick. No one wants to suffer an illness for which there is no diagnosis or cure. There isn't a  pat answer for how to cope except...

Trust the Lord.  Trust Him on good days. Trust Him on bad days. Seek His face. Pour out your heart to Him. Depend on His kindness and compassion; they are always present via the path His great love as manifested in Christ. 

The God who created me and knows me to a molecular level is able to provide what I need.  I have become afraid of suffering further, and He is compassionate and not condemning regarding this fear.  I bring it to Him daily, and daily He provides solace.  Our God still does miracles and he still heals; that He sometimes allows discomfort or even suffering provides us opportunity to cast our anxieties onto Him even when that entails things we'd rather not face or endure.  

Today, I'm sick. But the Lord has provided a peaceful place, a comfortable chair, and strength to do the work that must be done.  

If you scroll down at the end of this post you'll see a couple of documentations in the form of photos of my weird skin discomforts (likewise, if you don't want to see these stop scrolling now). Most of the time, I'm able to avoid these outbreaks nowadays.  And yes, the medicine I take for rosacea did come from a physician who prescribed it for me.   

I'm grateful and I am trusting in the Lord, who provides for me.  

Blessed be the Lord,

Who daily loads us with benefits,

The God of our salvation! 

Psalm 69:18 NKJV

<><

Sightly blurred photo of the rash and mottling that pops up on my legs.  

Rosacea and facial swelling from a few years ago, the swelling did not entirely resolve but I've grown used to the change in my appearance.  

Mottled skin most apparent when exercising.  

One month later...

A couple of weeks before my June 8 cataract surgery on my right eye, I happened onto a painting of Jesus healing the blind man.  As I shared in my last post, I was terrified of this surgery because of all the trouble I've had with my right eye over the years; in addition to a detachment and loads of floaters, I have had ocular migraine centering in my right field of vision.  I could not imagine coming through the bright light of cataract surgery without side-effects.  But when I looked at the image of Christ and the man whose vision was restored, the Holy Spirit touched my heart and I was enabled to place my trust in the Lord.  There was still fear, but faith in God's will for me outweighed the fear and off to surgery I went.  

Ninety minutes out of surgery, I had astoundingly clear, 20/20 vision or better with no lens correction.  I don't know what the very bottom line on the eye chart measures, but I was able to read that line with no errors.  I had no floaters.  It was amazing.  The tech who checked my post op pressures and visual acuity kept saying, "This is really unusual."  

What was really odd is that I had chosen to remain near- sighted.  I'd had a near lens implant, and under the best of conditions should not have been able to see well at a distance.  But I could.  Colors were astounding.  When I got home I walked out to my flower garden and the only thing I could think was that this must be what it is like in Heaven.  The colors were crisp, clean, bright, and new.  The beauty pierced my heart and tears flowed.  I don't think you are supposed to cry immediately following cataract surgery, but I did.  I knew something special was happening but I really thought they had somehow implanted the wrong prescription for my lens.  I was fine with it though.  

Over the next few days, my vision gradually receded to the prescription I had requested and the old, familiar floaters returned.  On day 5, I put on my old glasses and was surprised to note that I could see perfectly well with the correction I'd needed prior to surgery (again, this is what I'd requested). The only difference was that the smudge of cataract was gone so that for the first time in years, with correction for near-sightedness, I could see clearly at a distance through my right eye.  

I have avoided highway driving for years because my distance vision had become blurry. But my three week fitting for new glasses revealed distance vision that could be corrected to 20/15 in both eyes. This afternoon I drove a few miles from my home to see my grandkids, and the two miles of country highway driving were beautifully clear even as I scanned a quarter mile in the distance.  I am wearing my old glasses still, and am looking forward to even better vision when the new pair arrives.  

I'm not even going to try to figure out why the vision in my left eye also seems better...

I imagine the unusually clear vision immediately following surgery can be explained somehow, but you aren't going to convince me that the Lord didn't gift me with just a few days of clarity of sight that I won't have again until Heaven.  I had prayed for years regarding my eyesight, and on my surgery day I asked everyone I knew to pray for me.  I'm not sure what happened but...I know the Lord was with me.  

Fear is not a personality weakness or a failure of faith; it is a side effect of living in a fallen world and of having suffered in ways that were hard in the past.  When we place our trust in the Lord and move forward even though we are afraid, I think it blesses God's heart.  

Grateful.  

<><

Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, 21 to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Note:  Google Image Search says that the picture below is most likely an AI created work, and there is no reference as to the creator.