The Pitfalls of Being Nice

A couple of posts ago I wrote about overextending myself to the point of exhaustion as I cooked, cleaned, and cooked some more for my son and a group of his friends.  In the midst of my labors I caught a glimpse of insight into my own motivations, and not all of them were selfless.  A good portion of my hard work was aimed toward gaining the admiration and appreciation of my son and his friends.  I loved taking care of them and seeing them around my table, but did I need to prepare a huge Sunday morning breakfast that none of them really wanted to get out of bed to eat?  No.

I have gained a new blogger friend named Carol Noren Johnson, who saw the aforementioned post, and in response shared her book, entitled Getting off the Niceness Treadmill.  In the book, Carol writes:

"We get pumped up on our niceness treadmill thinking of what we can do for someone else to the exclusion of our devotion to the Lord, who never needed us to do His work anyway...by helping others we may have short-circuited our own needs and responsibilities" (p. 7).  

"I am narrowing my focus on Whom and What I please.  Whom is God and What is what He wants"  (p. 47).

"Good deeds have to come from godliness purified by Jesus Christ as summed up in Titus 2:11-14"   (p. 63). 

"Now I dare to care not whether my giving is recognized or even outstanding.  Why have I needed that glory!  Off the treadmill!  I surrender to the Lord and His glory"  (p.64). 

"I can always say and mean it, "I will pray about my involvement with your need" rather than rush to help.  We need to see how the Lord will supply their needs"   (p. 66). 

"We crown Him, tremble before Him, offer our lives to Him.  We do not need praise. We glory that He is praised"  (p. 68).  

Aren't these great quotes?  You can find Carol's book at Amazon.com.  And, if you head over to her blog,  you'll see that she has reviewed a caregiving book that you may find to be of interest!

Changing Relationship Roles--Stressful!

Making the transition to the role of caregiver is especially difficult when the care-recipient is someone who once took care of you. When the loved one is a spouse or a parent, becoming that person’s caregiver brings a burden of grief as well as an increased workload. The combination of these two stresses can cause clashes between the caregiver and patient as each suffers through difficulties associated with changing relationship roles.


During the early days of my mother’s struggle with dementia, she suffered confusion and feelings of failure. She understood that her inability to pay bills and remember appointments was causing inconvenience for those around her, and she felt a deep sense of shame. As a new caregiver I was more likely to scold than to provide comfort and reassurance. Despite Mom’s Alzheimer’s diagnosis, I continued to respond to her as though she was the mother I’d always known.


One of the little frustrations I experienced with Mom was that she struggled to fasten her seat belt, and I had to help her. I didn’t say a word, but Mom had to know from my exasperated sigh and grim expression that she had failed once again. During that time I happened to read an excellent publication entitled “Pocket Reference of Tips and Strategies” by Coach Frank Broyles, whose wife, Barbara, was an Alzheimer patient. When his wife had difficulty fastening her seat belt, Broyles saved her dignity by telling her that all cars have seat belts that fasten differently. This one helpful tip served to be a catalyst for a change in my attitude toward my mother.


When Coach Broyles’ wife was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, he approached her disease utilizing the same positive approach that made him the winningest coach in Arkansas Razorbacks football history. His “Coach Broyles’ Playbook for Alzheimer’s Caregivers” and the companion pocket reference book that was so helpful to me are available for free download at http://www.alzheimersplaybook.com.


When a loved one is diagnosed with dementia, there must be a release of who that person has been in the past, and acceptance of who they have become. This release is a process and not an event, but with much prayer and a network of support that includes guidance from caregivers such as Coach Frank Broyles, the transition can be made successfully.


Linda’s book, My Mom Has Alzheimer’s: Inspiration and Help for Caregivers, is available at Amazon.com. If you would like a signed copy, contact Linda through her website at http://www.godmomandme.com.

Tired Monday

My son, Jonathan (front) and his friend Nathan. In November Nathan will be married to his fiance, Becca.  What better way to celebrate an upcoming marriage than by shooting targets and fishing??!  They do have some incomprehensible-to-me male characteristics, but they are Godly young men of whom I'm very proud. 

Our son hosted a large gathering at our home this past weekend in order to celebrate the upcoming marriage of his friend, Nathan.  A group of young men gathered for a weekend of hunting, fishing, and skeet shooting; and I chose to have them gather around our table for meals rather than sending them to a restaurant.  The most I fed at any one meal was seventeen; and honestly, I loved it.  I cooked and baked and cooked some more, but I wore myself out in the process.  

God's grace has seen me through.  I don't feel well physically today but I know from experience that the Lord is going to strengthen me from His deep well of grace as I walk the path before me.

In the midst of all the hoopla this weekend, Mom sat placidly; reading, listening to music, and enjoying a somewhat higher quality and variety of food than usual as I brought her samples of my baking projects.  Thankfully, I've moved beyond resentment toward her for lack of support in my labors as she would have given me in the past. Throughout this weekend I felt only gratitude that she had no issues that would have cost me additional labor.

There are times in life when other people place burdens on our shoulders.  Sometimes, the freewill choices of those who love us cause them to need our support, sometimes there are accidents or diseases that could not have been avoided no matter what precautions were taken; and once in awhile, as with my cooking and cleaning frenzy of this past weekend, we place ourselves into jeopardy out of good intentions that we end up lacking strength to see through.  Whatever the cause--and most times it is probably a combination of reasons--we can find ourselves depleted and feeling taken for granted.

I'm always a little bit surprised that the Lord rushes so quickly to my defense when I'm aware that at least a portion of the discomfort I'm experiencing is self-inflicted.  No one forced me to overeat this weekend! But this morning I'm feeling so much gratitude to God for His unmerited grace. Today God's grace brings with it strength that is going to see me through this tired day.

Thank You, Lord!

Mother-In-Law Addition

Mom's window, her  personal source of light therapy.  The furry lump curled in the dry sink is Kitty, who provides pet therapy. 

Our house.  Mom's addition is on the right, with its own entrance and wheelchair accessible ramp. 

One of the many serendipitous outcomes of our somewhat impulsive decision to have mom come to live with us is the fact that her apartment is flooded with spirit-lifting light.   I had seen a bay window our builder had done in another home, and asked him to recreate a similar window for Mom.  I was thinking only that Mom would enjoy looking out at the bird feeder, and didn't give much thought to the fact that the window would face to the south. The resulting brilliance sometimes causes me to have to stand and blink for a few moments while my eyes adjust to the abundance of light when I walk into my mother's room.

And so, on  the few occasions someone has approached me for advice about how to build a "mother-in-law addition," I have recommended southern exposure and a large window.  Light therapy is one of the experimental treatments for preventing "sundowning" in Alzheimer's patients.  I am convinced that this abundance of light is one of the reasons Mom has done so well. 

In the 1920's, my grandparents built a "granny house" for my grandfather's mother.  It was a little square building that sat about 20 feet from the main house.  I often think of how similar my mother's situation is to her grandmother's, albeit with a few more amenities.  Mom's living quarters are separate from the rest of the house, and so we have our privacy and yet are close by.  She rarely comes into our part of the house, mostly because she is so much more comfortable in familiar surroundings, but also because we have cultivated the feeling that she is in her own apartment.  She has trouble remembering who lives in "the other part," as she calls it, and has learned that we respond to her as though she were Goldilocks checking out someone else's accomodations if she wanders into our part without our knocking first.   

Other factors that I believe have helped Mom to maintain her level of functioning for the past six years: 

• Prescription Medication:  Aricept, Namenda, and an antidepressant
• OTC supplements:  Fish oil, a decongestant, and a multivitamin
• Music, most often the "easy listening" channel on DISH TV, but sometimes Christian music or jazz.  
• Books--favorites include the Little House books by Laura Ingalls Wilder and, always, her Bible.  
• Spiral notebooks and an abundant supply of pens.  
• A refrigerator full of diet coke and a carafe full of coffee; caffeine has been shown to improve cognitive function
• Her own furnishings and photos surround her, most of which pre-date her Alzheimer's by many years so that she remembers them and is comforted
• A pet that provides companionship 
• Frequent visits from great grandson Daniel, age 2
• My husband and I are in and out an average of 6 times a day with meals and/or meds 
• Friend and respite caregiver Sandy visits twice a week
• Handicapped accessible shower and grab bars in the bathroom add to safety and convenience when I bathe Mom or when she uses the bathroom

This has been a wonderful solution for us. If you are considering building a "granny house" of your own, feel free to contact me through the customer contact page at my web site.  I will email you with further details of how we made our plans for Mom with the advice of an elder law attorney, and although I won't advise you what you should do in your own situation, I will be happy to answer questions about our way of handling Mom's Alzheimer's disease. 

Our solution would certainly not be right for everyone.  Mom does not wander, has never been combative; and although she sometimes discusses my negative personality characteristics with the cat, she is rarely openly rude.  She is still cognizant enough of what we do for her to speak words of gratitude.  This set of characteristics makes her somewhat rare, as far as Alzheimer patients go.  But I like to think that at least a portion of her easygoing ways has to do with the fact that she feels content and secure.

Any decision that impacts a loved one's living situation must be surrounded with careful thought and much prayer.  Every situation is unique.  If  you are struggling to find solutions for a loved one who has dementia, my prayers are with you.

Blessings Await

My son-in-law and grandson

It's interesting and a little bit shameful that I am so suspicious of God's intentions toward me.  

It's no excuse that I am stuck on a finite timeline, imprisoned by a body suit, and perceive the world through physical senses; because the Lord has explained that what is really real (eternal)  is spiritual and not physical.  

Well, that sounded a little bit convoluted, didn't it?  I'm sorry.  

Let me explain:  we walk by faith and not by sight, and when we take our eyes off the Lord we find ourselves walking blind. 

OK, I admit it.  I've taken my eyes off the Lord and have fallen into fear.  Once again I'm struggling with fear of my mother's death, and that fear brings with it dread and depression over the fact of my own mortality.  And yet, at the very same time Mom is fading away from me due to her Alzheimer's disease, the Lord has touched my heart with the knowledge that my future holds blessings.

This morning I felt the Lord speaking these words of comfort to me:  

Receive my assurance that nothing is amiss.  No health crisis looms, no trial awaits; this time of preparation is not meant to prepare you for distress but for blessing.  Blessings require preparation as well. 

As I contemplated this assurance, a memory from over 25 years ago came to mind.  

It was Christmas morning and our three-year-old daughter, Mindy, had been awakened from a sound sleep and instructed to come downstairs to see what Santa had left for her.  I was at the foot of the steps, calling her name; camcorder in hand.  Mindy slowly entered the room and cast an anxious look  around her at a space made unfamiliar by stacks of gifts, which included a huge rocking horse wearing a bow on its head.   Overwhelmed, she sat down on the bottom step and began to cry. 

If our girl had been awakened gently and given forewarning about the abundance of gifts that awaited her, she would have been been prepared for the blessing of Christmas morning.  The abrupt transition from sleep to being confronted with a stack of presents was overwhelming for her.  


Sometimes the Lord awakens us gently by providing a time of transition such as the one I'm so suspiciously inhabiting now, as my mother fades from view.  During times such as these, He does not need us to train for battle so much as He needs us to be well rested so that the blessings He has prepared for us can be enjoyed to the fullest extent. 

Transition times can include grief.  The promise that blessings await does not lessen the terrible grief of losing my mother, but it does give me hope for the future.  

"In the bulb, there is a flower; 
In the seed an apple tree; 
"In cocoons, a hidden promise: 
Butterflies will soon be free!  
In the cold and snow of winter
There's a spring that waits to be,  
Unrevealed until its season,
Something God alone can see."
from Hymn of Promise by Natalie Sleeth: Copyright © 1986 Hope Publishing Company

You can listen to this beautiful hymn here.  

What if My Loved One is Not Saved?

This beautiful photo is from FreeFoto.com

Note:  As long as there is life, it is possible to accept Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. If you are privileged to hold the hand of someone who is dying and whose salvation is uncertain, don't miss the chance to offer them the opportunity to receive Christ as Lord. For a dementia patient, keep it simple, something like this: "Would you like to spend eternity with Jesus in Heaven?  Do you believe He died for your sins? He forgives you and loves you, I forgive you and love you..."  (see Jenny's comment following this post).  

*******
Last week I received an email through the customer contact page on my website.  The man who wrote told me a heart-rending story of his mother's struggle with dementia.  She suffered early onset Alzheimer's, the most devastating form of the disease, often striking its victims before the age of 60.  His grief over his mother was more intense because he felt uncertain of her salvation. 


I felt great compassion and spent time in prayer for this man and his family.  In my reply to him there may be comfort for others who feel uncertain of the salvation of a loved one who is ill, or who has died.  In the end, our confidence in the Lord's love and perfect plan overrides our fears that we may not see someone we love in Heaven.  Here, in part, is the reply I sent: 

Our salvation comes through believing in Christ, not through any works or even a formal profession of faith.  It is the belief itself that constitutes the faith in Christ that saves us.  "This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe (italics mine). There is no difference,  for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:22-23). 


Although you didn't say so, I imagine that your mom is exhibiting behaviors that are not Christlike, and that this increases your concern over whether or not she is saved.  The "all have sinned" portion of the Scripture above is always reassuring to me.  My mother, too, exhibits unlovely, un-Christlike behaviors.  And because Mom has declined cognitively, she no longer recognizes that she's done wrong.   I don't believe she confesses the sins she commits now.  But I have no doubt of her salvation.  She has believed in Christ Jesus. 


We enter into the Kingdom of Heaven by grace and grace alone.  It was Christ's blood, the Father's will, and the Holy Spirit's power that purchased our salvation.  Nothing is required of us but that we believe in what Christ has done.  Of course it is desirable that our faith bears fruit.  But Acts 16:31 says, "Believe in the Lord Jesus Christ and you will be saved." 


You have prayed fervently for your mother's salvation.  The Bible says, "This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him" (1 John 5:14-15).  And so this  leads me to believe that the Lord will assure your mother's place in Heaven.


I would like you to let yourself off the hook for not having led your mom more fervently to the Cross.  If you really feel you have sinned in this area, then ask the Lord for forgiveness.  Pray that He will heal any sins of omission you committed, and that He will show you how to make restitution if necessary. However, I really don't think this is the case.  I think you are experiencing a normal cycle of grief as you lose your mom, and that remorse and guilt tend to be a part of grieving.  It must feel like your mom is drowning and you just aren't quite a good enough swimmer to get out there and save her.  But please remember that saving sinners isn't something we as human beings are able to do.  I remember a story about Billy Graham saying he never saved one sinner.  He gave all the credit to the Lord.  Jesus said, "But I, when I am lifted up from the earth, will draw all men to myself" (John 12:32).  The Lord Himself is the one who does the "drawing."  As human beings the most powerful thing we can do toward salvation for our loved ones is to pray.  Your mom has had the salvation message presented to her.  She knows of Christ and of His death and resurrection.  What has transpired in her heart is between her and the Lord. 

I pray God's peace for this man, and for any reading these words who suffer fear or uncertainty over the salvation of a loved one. 

Scripture: "But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus...For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast" (Ephesians 2:4-6, 8-9)

What God Pours Through Us

When I was a child, I was filled with fears of various sorts. This morning, as I prayed about my grief over losing Mom, it occurred to me that everything I feared most as a child has happened to me; I've lost my parents.  The unthinkable has become reality, and yet I am fine because of the Lord's abiding presence with me. 

My dad died 12 years ago, but my mother lingers as a sort of living memory of who she was. It is sometimes almost uncanny that she still has the same voice and mannerisms, but much of who she was is absent.

Once, not long after my father went home to the Lord, I had a vivid dream of him. It was incredibly painful to see him and to be so clearly reminded of him in that dream.  It made me understand the wisdom of  the  mandate in Scripture that we not seek to interact with the dead.   Alzheimer’s disease creates a situation for the caregiver that is reminiscent of the sorrow I experienced as a result of the dream of my dad.

The most difficult aspect of caring for my mother is this ongoing, ever present pain that comes from seeing her face and hearing her voice, but not being able to interact with her through meaningful conversation.  She's not able to support me as she once did because she has lost the ability to grasp the nuances and depth of meaning that has to occur for mutually supportive interactions take place.  

In spite of all of the pain, it has been sweet to learn of the Lord in the midst of it. A life of comfort would not have brought me to the knowledge and awareness I now have of Him. 

With these thoughts still lingering in my mind, I read today's reading from My Utmost for His Highest, by Oswald Chambers, that includes the following quote:

If we believe in Jesus, it is not what we gain, but what He pours through us that counts. It is not that God makes us beautifully rounded grapes, but that He squeezes the sweetness out of us. Spiritually, we cannot measure our life by success, but only by what God pours through us, and we cannot measure that at all.

  Ministering to my mom has been sweet, because the sweetness of the Savior is present with me through the joy and through the pain.  

Scripture: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance" (James 1:2-3).