The past couple of years the Lord has used the great evil of the pandemic to bring needed rest and rejuvenation to me. "For he wounds, but he also binds up; he injures, but his hands also heal" (Job 5:18).
People don't understand why I've largely disappeared from view. I don't try to justify my absence from community and church activities beyond citing brief descriptions of one or the other of my latest physical challenges, most of which are auto-immune based and are hard for people-who-have-energy to understand. Fact of the matter is, going on 3 years out from my mother's death from Alzheimer's disease, I have become sicker physically even while I am feeling more at peace emotionally and spiritually. Auto-immune diseases are diabolical; one can look just fine but under the "ok" surface feel like, as Mom used to say, death warmed over.
Or, also in Mom's words, "Like I was sent for and couldn't go."
In light of how rotten I feel most of the time anyway, I've been especially cautious of exposure to Covid and other viruses, and that caution can invite further judgment. Most people face Covid exposure every day in their workaday world, and it can feel somehow offensive that I take precautions others are not able to implement for themselves.
My heart assurance is that I am where I am supposed to be, doing what I am supposed to do with the measure of strength I have been given. I keep house, take brief walkabouts to enjoy the beauty God has provided, and prepare food for my family. And of course, I write.
That's about it. It's all I have strength to do. I don't think anyone who hasn't experienced chronic fatigue can understand the accomplishment it is for me just to groom and dress each day.
Last week, my daughter sent me a time-lapse video of a seed sprouting. For the longest time everything happened beneath the surface as the seed sprouted and sent out a branching root system that would support the plant to come. I have confidence in the Lord, that during this healing time when I have had so little physical energy, that He has been at work on my behalf, creating a root system that will support the plant he will bring forth during the final season of my life. I have placed my trust in Him.
Meantime, I will rest, pray, do a little work and rest some more, and trust that God is in control.